The Realm of Jo

Friday, September 22, 2006

So many..

I have so many memberships to various different websites where I can blog. I've lost interest to write in them all. Occasionally, I'll write in one of them. But I think, my friends have lost track of how many I have and on where, so haha, I think I might have to stick to writing on this one or maybe myspace. I'm writing on this because I haven't in so long...

So to get a glimpse of how I feel right now, another poem! (It sucks writing-wise, but meh.)

Unbearable

I see you, but I must pretend that I do not.
I hear you, but I must try to block out your voice.
I feel your presence in my heart,
But I must hide from the truth.
For I must endure the unbearable
And act as though my friendship with you
Is strictly platonic.
I must pretend to only love you as a friend
When in fact, I want to spend an eternity with you.
The unbearable is
When I have to pretend as though I do not notice your every expression.
The unbearable is
When I have to pretend as though you do not mean the world to me.
The unbearable is
Everything that I must do.

~By: Jojo L.~


The above poem reflects how I feel right now about someone.

In terms of other things, well.. I'm tired. I'm tired of working, volunteering, and going to school. I have so much reading. It's incredible actually. Many people have a lot of reading, but you don't know how much I have as a science major and english minor. OMG the particular classes I'm taking right now requires a lot of it, so it isn't just the major/minor that is doing it.

I'm getting old. I can't sit long to read b/c my back KILLS. I should really see someone. Everyone has been telling me to see someone, but I don't know...I guess it's a combination of fear, laziness, lack of money, and lack of time. I'm also getting older age-wise. *sighs* Another year alone.

I'm not that a depressing person though. I always have to throw that in, haha. I always complain, but I'm not a downer when I'm with my friends. I try to be strong when with them. Don't want to affect them. I should learn not to complain so much. Successful individuals learn to cope with their harsh situations without running their mouth all the time. I must learn to do that.

I am only human.
Made of flesh and fuction with impulses.
To want more
Or to settle and appreciate,
Is all up to me.
To pray to be better,
But to make no visible changes,
Is to ask for a miracle
Without a cause.

~J.L.~

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Short & Sweet

I'll make this short and sweet, since there is a lot I would like to do right now. I'm planning on leaving Tim's and my other part time job. I'm sad about leaving Tim's, since I've been there for 2 years, but I need a change. I think I'm going to Starbucks. We'll see...I also need to purchase a new mobile phone, since mine is uhh...functioning when it pleases? Haha. Now in terms of my "nonexistant love life," well...doesn't that just say it all? I'm still not over **** *sighs* If only...Okay, that's my short news. I'm not much in a talkative mood these days, only because I have to do so much of it in all three jobs of mine that I get sooo tired after. It's sad really. I mean, I don't even really want to talk to my best friend online anymore. Doesn't mean I love you any less though TP *huggies*. Okay, I'm out!

Friday, May 26, 2006

Not So Proud of Myself...

This post won't be so long either. I think...I'm not feeling to well right now. I hope I don't end up vomitting. Anyway...Today, I was bad. I couldn't stop thinking about the person I like, haha, it annoyed the heck out of my friend because I kept on bringing that person up. That's not why I was "bad" though. You know what I figured out today? Although there are many beautiful people out there, I could never be with them unless I cared about them; liked them. I saw a lot of available beautiful people today, but I wasn't really all that interested, I think. *Sighs* So much to say, but I don't think I can say it. However, I can say this now with confidence and assurance: I am not a party animal, I am not someone to have sexual relations with just any hot person, I don't really enjoy being high or drunk, I don't like having addictions, since I like to be in control, and all I really want is to be with the one I like and do everything with just them. This post is somewhat cryptic, but yes, all that was needed to be said was the last part, my conclusion.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Great News

I did it!! I can't believe I did it. I got my marks up this semester and now my GPA is what I needed it to be. Actually, a tad tad bit higher, teehehe. I can go to school in September *winks*. Now for me to find a new job and earn money to pay for school. *Sighs* I tell you anything good for me is always short-lived. I have so much to do and so little time. *Shakes head*
I know this sounds bad, but...I want L to leave her bf. I really think that she can do better. I actually have someone better in mind, hehe. *Silence*

This is a short post. Sorry, I will give a longer one later on.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Dum Dee Doo

*Twiddles thumbs* I don't know what to say. So much to say. I don't even know where to begin. *Sighs* I don't understand why I have to have so many things that upset me. I know...I am allowing for it to upset me, therefore it is. So yadda yadda, it's my problem. But c'mon now!!! Jeez!! *Sighs* Not easy to ignore, and with some things, it can't be ignored. Why isn't there a money tree? I mean, no one else has to have it. The world can continue going as it does, I just need that money tree!! I am too old for the crap that comes my way....well, my body is...I swear my body ages fast than everything else on me. I'm ~20, but my body is...is...*thinks* 45? I don't know, just..older! Work is upsetting me more and more. It feels like they want to replace me or something, even though I know that isn't the case, it still feels that way. Sometimes I feel like a nobody. Nobody wants me, needs me, or will notice if I'm gone. I am easily replaced. Although I have many loved ones...I..just...feel...easily replaced. No partner, no stable respectable job, no one who around me who will definitely stay by my side for another 20 years, nothing..no one. As much I want to give up, I can't. I won't. But it is all tiring. I shouldn't complain. I know I shouldn't because there are others out there who have it ten times worse. I mean...I have friends who have it worse. Who am I to complain? *Sighs* But I can't help it, life is just so hard. I am supposed to be very young. Life hasn't even really began for me yet, and already, I'm stressing the way I do and exhausted from it all. I fear the future. I fear growing older for other reasons, compared to my peers. I don't mind growing old, grey, becoming wrinkly, and etc. I fear the loneliness, responsiblities, and more worries that I have in store for me in the future.

I can't forget thee. I don't think I can ever let go of that person. In December, it will be six years. *Laughs to herself* Six years of infatuation. I've moved on, but some how I haven't. How do you let go of your first love? I like someone else right now, but in my heart...that person...will always be there.

Anyway....For those of you who want to read my pitiful poems:
http://individual.utoronto.ca/jojo_lu/
It is still in the works. I'll have more poems up, some pictures, and etc. So the website is a work in progress.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Yao

Hello all. I'm so busy, it just makes me naseous. All I want to do is sit at home and relax, but no..none of that. I have to work everyday, and if I take off a day, I have to see a friend. So many friends to see too...I feel bad I don't have time for them. I mean, I didn't have time for them during the school year, and now, I once again can't seem to conjure up time to spend with them. I can't even seem to fit time in to get a darn blood test. *sighs* I'm annoyed!!

I miss my friends *cries* I miss you too Mich! You are half way around the world, so I definitely can't see you, sniff sniff. My sisters, (TP, Kel, Pisa, & Vick) I love you and I should see you guys the most often, but I don't. My god bro/best friend, I see you the least often and you are my longest friend. Then there are a dozen others who I consider to be my good friends, but I see only once in a while, and by no means is that an exaggeration. So long..it's been so long. That bugs me!!!

My computer is still down, since I have not reformatted yet. But if you are wondering what's with the delay? I still have to burn my files. 25 CDs! It will take 25 CDs to burn some of my files, the ones I want to keep for after I clear my hard drive. It actually might take more. Haha.

Stress. Okay, my 3 jobs (I include the volunteering at the hospital a job, since I work there part-time, but just for free) are stressful. I am sick of dealing with people. I want to blow up on these people. I tell you, some individuals are so darn ignorant and rude!! I have to deal with a variety of them. From the old to the young, homeless, pregnant, snobs, drunks, highs, to the southern folks from the states who are mean and rude (when I make my phone calls at work, part of my one of jobs), and etc. I tell you I've dealt and seen it all. Makes you wonder...what the hell kind of people there are out there. Sorry about my language. Okay, enough venting. Oh yes, I hate 2-faced people. Omg there are so many of you!! By the way, for those of you who think, well, you are making lots of money, so it is all worth it. Uh, no..

On the romance note. I am sick of liking people. I never seem to like anyone who feels the same. It is just heart-wrenching. I don't want to like anyone anymore. I wish I could just tell my heart to stop.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Jesus Baleezes

Jesus baleezes. For some reason, I keep on saying that now. It is my substitute for saying Jesus Christ, since I don't want to say that. I know that I am still using god's name in vain when I say Jesus baleezes, since I am still saying Jesus, but...gosh darnit I can't help it. So soooo much has gone on since my last entry and that's why I have avoided blogging for so long. I don't really feel like recapping everything, so I won't haha. Let's just talk about the hell I am going through right now. WELL...I am still awaiting for 2 of my class marks so I can calculate my gpa and see if whether or not I can stay in school. For those of you who are my friends, you should know my situation. I mean, I should at least have my botany mark right now, since everything was in class. Grrr!! I love my prof, but omg what is with the darn delay?! Okay now onto my other troubles. I still have to do more tests to see if I have this or that, *sighs* and also, I am working every freaking day! I am exhausted. You all know that I've been burnt out since the beginning of last year, but yet, I am still taking on more than I can handle because I feel as though I have to. Life is just not easy or fun. I actually can't really remember the last time I really had any fun. I suppose it was all the way back in Jan or Feb. A long time overdue..I need to experience fun again!! I have so many friends I miss. So many people I want to hang out with, but I don't seem to be seeing. I hope I see them soon. I really need to...I feel so alone and everything in my life seems so boring and tedious.

I have nothing to look forward to!! I just have problems arising from all directions and bombarding me all at once. For example, I am tired as is with working everyday and stressing about my many problems and then guess what happens? Microsoft says my windows is illegitimate and I have to buy a new product key. Ha! So I go to find a new one to download it, and mind you this is all after work when I'm dead exhausted and was looking to just check my email to see if my marks were available, and then bam! I download malicious spyware and package full of viruses when I downloaded what I thought was a new key. I normally know better than to download from shotty websites, but I was tired and fed up...then big mistake! So after, I had to set up the internet so it could work on my laptop. I unplugged my pc (the one with the viruses) from the internet so the crazy pop-ups would stop popping up every single second so I can burn my files onto hard copy (burn them onto cds). Now this will take me several days. I already spent a couple days doing it and I'm not done yet. Then after that, I have to reformat my hard drive, re-install all my programs, and then put back all my files. *Sighs* So instead of resting after work, when I'm exhausted, I get to mingle with this crap. I need money, more time, and yes, less stress please!


Jang Nara- Confession