The Realm of Jo

So many..

2006-09-22T10:16:00.000-07:00

I have so many memberships to various different websites where I can blog. I've lost interest to write in them all. Occasionally, I'll write in one of them. But I think, my friends have lost track of how many I have and on where, so haha, I think I might have to stick to writing on this one or maybe myspace. I'm writing on this because I haven't in so long...

So to get a glimpse of how I feel right now, another poem! (It sucks writing-wise, but meh.)

Unbearable

I see you, but I must pretend that I do not.
I hear you, but I must try to block out your voice.
I feel your presence in my heart,
But I must hide from the truth.
For I must endure the unbearable
And act as though my friendship with you
Is strictly platonic.
I must pretend to only love you as a friend
When in fact, I want to spend an eternity with you.
The unbearable is
When I have to pretend as though I do not notice your every expression.
The unbearable is
When I have to pretend as though you do not mean the world to me.
The unbearable is
Everything that I must do.

~By: Jojo L.~

The above poem reflects how I feel right now about someone.

In terms of other things, well.. I'm tired. I'm tired of working, volunteering, and going to school. I have so much reading. It's incredible actually. Many people have a lot of reading, but you don't know how much I have as a science major and english minor. OMG the particular classes I'm taking right now requires a lot of it, so it isn't just the major/minor that is doing it.

I'm getting old. I can't sit long to read b/c my back KILLS. I should really see someone. Everyone has been telling me to see someone, but I don't know...I guess it's a combination of fear, laziness, lack of money, and lack of time. I'm also getting older age-wise. *sighs* Another year alone.

I'm not that a depressing person though. I always have to throw that in, haha. I always complain, but I'm not a downer when I'm with my friends. I try to be strong when with them. Don't want to affect them. I should learn not to complain so much. Successful individuals learn to cope with their harsh situations without running their mouth all the time. I must learn to do that.

I am only human.
Made of flesh and fuction with impulses.
To want more
Or to settle and appreciate,
Is all up to me.
To pray to be better,
But to make no visible changes,
Is to ask for a miracle
Without a cause.

~J.L.~

Short & Sweet

2006-06-07T18:29:00.000-07:00

I'll make this short and sweet, since there is a lot I would like to do right now. I'm planning on leaving Tim's and my other part time job. I'm sad about leaving Tim's, since I've been there for 2 years, but I need a change. I think I'm going to Starbucks. We'll see...I also need to purchase a new mobile phone, since mine is uhh...functioning when it pleases? Haha. Now in terms of my "nonexistant love life," well...doesn't that just say it all? I'm still not over **** *sighs* If only...Okay, that's my short news. I'm not much in a talkative mood these days, only because I have to do so much of it in all three jobs of mine that I get sooo tired after. It's sad really. I mean, I don't even really want to talk to my best friend online anymore. Doesn't mean I love you any less though TP *huggies*. Okay, I'm out!

Not So Proud of Myself...

2006-05-26T19:58:00.000-07:00

This post won't be so long either. I think...I'm not feeling to well right now. I hope I don't end up vomitting. Anyway...Today, I was bad. I couldn't stop thinking about the person I like, haha, it annoyed the heck out of my friend because I kept on bringing that person up. That's not why I was "bad" though. You know what I figured out today? Although there are many beautiful people out there, I could never be with them unless I cared about them; liked them. I saw a lot of available beautiful people today, but I wasn't really all that interested, I think. *Sighs* So much to say, but I don't think I can say it. However, I can say this now with confidence and assurance: I am not a party animal, I am not someone to have sexual relations with just any hot person, I don't really enjoy being high or drunk, I don't like having addictions, since I like to be in control, and all I really want is to be with the one I like and do everything with just them. This post is somewhat cryptic, but yes, all that was needed to be said was the last part, my conclusion.

Great News

2006-05-23T20:17:00.000-07:00

I did it!! I can't believe I did it. I got my marks up this semester and now my GPA is what I needed it to be. Actually, a tad tad bit higher, teehehe. I can go to school in September *winks*. Now for me to find a new job and earn money to pay for school. *Sighs* I tell you anything good for me is always short-lived. I have so much to do and so little time. *Shakes head*
I know this sounds bad, but...I want L to leave her bf. I really think that she can do better. I actually have someone better in mind, hehe. *Silence*

This is a short post. Sorry, I will give a longer one later on.

Dum Dee Doo

2006-05-21T17:58:00.000-07:00

*Twiddles thumbs* I don't know what to say. So much to say. I don't even know where to begin. *Sighs* I don't understand why I have to have so many things that upset me. I know...I am allowing for it to upset me, therefore it is. So yadda yadda, it's my problem. But c'mon now!!! Jeez!! *Sighs* Not easy to ignore, and with some things, it can't be ignored. Why isn't there a money tree? I mean, no one else has to have it. The world can continue going as it does, I just need that money tree!! I am too old for the crap that comes my way....well, my body is...I swear my body ages fast than everything else on me. I'm ~20, but my body is...is...*thinks* 45? I don't know, just..older! Work is upsetting me more and more. It feels like they want to replace me or something, even though I know that isn't the case, it still feels that way. Sometimes I feel like a nobody. Nobody wants me, needs me, or will notice if I'm gone. I am easily replaced. Although I have many loved ones...I..just...feel...easily replaced. No partner, no stable respectable job, no one who around me who will definitely stay by my side for another 20 years, nothing..no one. As much I want to give up, I can't. I won't. But it is all tiring. I shouldn't complain. I know I shouldn't because there are others out there who have it ten times worse. I mean...I have friends who have it worse. Who am I to complain? *Sighs* But I can't help it, life is just so hard. I am supposed to be very young. Life hasn't even really began for me yet, and already, I'm stressing the way I do and exhausted from it all. I fear the future. I fear growing older for other reasons, compared to my peers. I don't mind growing old, grey, becoming wrinkly, and etc. I fear the loneliness, responsiblities, and more worries that I have in store for me in the future.

I can't forget thee. I don't think I can ever let go of that person. In December, it will be six years. *Laughs to herself* Six years of infatuation. I've moved on, but some how I haven't. How do you let go of your first love? I like someone else right now, but in my heart...that person...will always be there.

Anyway....For those of you who want to read my pitiful poems:
http://individual.utoronto.ca/jojo_lu/
It is still in the works. I'll have more poems up, some pictures, and etc. So the website is a work in progress.

Yao

2006-05-10T18:33:00.000-07:00

Hello all. I'm so busy, it just makes me naseous. All I want to do is sit at home and relax, but no..none of that. I have to work everyday, and if I take off a day, I have to see a friend. So many friends to see too...I feel bad I don't have time for them. I mean, I didn't have time for them during the school year, and now, I once again can't seem to conjure up time to spend with them. I can't even seem to fit time in to get a darn blood test. *sighs* I'm annoyed!!

I miss my friends *cries* I miss you too Mich! You are half way around the world, so I definitely can't see you, sniff sniff. My sisters, (TP, Kel, Pisa, & Vick) I love you and I should see you guys the most often, but I don't. My god bro/best friend, I see you the least often and you are my longest friend. Then there are a dozen others who I consider to be my good friends, but I see only once in a while, and by no means is that an exaggeration. So long..it's been so long. That bugs me!!!

My computer is still down, since I have not reformatted yet. But if you are wondering what's with the delay? I still have to burn my files. 25 CDs! It will take 25 CDs to burn some of my files, the ones I want to keep for after I clear my hard drive. It actually might take more. Haha.

Stress. Okay, my 3 jobs (I include the volunteering at the hospital a job, since I work there part-time, but just for free) are stressful. I am sick of dealing with people. I want to blow up on these people. I tell you, some individuals are so darn ignorant and rude!! I have to deal with a variety of them. From the old to the young, homeless, pregnant, snobs, drunks, highs, to the southern folks from the states who are mean and rude (when I make my phone calls at work, part of my one of jobs), and etc. I tell you I've dealt and seen it all. Makes you wonder...what the hell kind of people there are out there. Sorry about my language. Okay, enough venting. Oh yes, I hate 2-faced people. Omg there are so many of you!! By the way, for those of you who think, well, you are making lots of money, so it is all worth it. Uh, no..

On the romance note. I am sick of liking people. I never seem to like anyone who feels the same. It is just heart-wrenching. I don't want to like anyone anymore. I wish I could just tell my heart to stop.

Jesus Baleezes

2006-05-08T20:16:00.000-07:00

Jesus baleezes. For some reason, I keep on saying that now. It is my substitute for saying Jesus Christ, since I don't want to say that. I know that I am still using god's name in vain when I say Jesus baleezes, since I am still saying Jesus, but...gosh darnit I can't help it. So soooo much has gone on since my last entry and that's why I have avoided blogging for so long. I don't really feel like recapping everything, so I won't haha. Let's just talk about the hell I am going through right now. WELL...I am still awaiting for 2 of my class marks so I can calculate my gpa and see if whether or not I can stay in school. For those of you who are my friends, you should know my situation. I mean, I should at least have my botany mark right now, since everything was in class. Grrr!! I love my prof, but omg what is with the darn delay?! Okay now onto my other troubles. I still have to do more tests to see if I have this or that, *sighs* and also, I am working every freaking day! I am exhausted. You all know that I've been burnt out since the beginning of last year, but yet, I am still taking on more than I can handle because I feel as though I have to. Life is just not easy or fun. I actually can't really remember the last time I really had any fun. I suppose it was all the way back in Jan or Feb. A long time overdue..I need to experience fun again!! I have so many friends I miss. So many people I want to hang out with, but I don't seem to be seeing. I hope I see them soon. I really need to...I feel so alone and everything in my life seems so boring and tedious.

I have nothing to look forward to!! I just have problems arising from all directions and bombarding me all at once. For example, I am tired as is with working everyday and stressing about my many problems and then guess what happens? Microsoft says my windows is illegitimate and I have to buy a new product key. Ha! So I go to find a new one to download it, and mind you this is all after work when I'm dead exhausted and was looking to just check my email to see if my marks were available, and then bam! I download malicious spyware and package full of viruses when I downloaded what I thought was a new key. I normally know better than to download from shotty websites, but I was tired and fed up...then big mistake! So after, I had to set up the internet so it could work on my laptop. I unplugged my pc (the one with the viruses) from the internet so the crazy pop-ups would stop popping up every single second so I can burn my files onto hard copy (burn them onto cds). Now this will take me several days. I already spent a couple days doing it and I'm not done yet. Then after that, I have to reformat my hard drive, re-install all my programs, and then put back all my files. *Sighs* So instead of resting after work, when I'm exhausted, I get to mingle with this crap. I need money, more time, and yes, less stress please!

Long Time No Talk..

2006-03-28T22:14:00.000-08:00

It has been an incredibly long time since I have last written a blog entry. I think I say that every time I write one, lol, except for the "long" part. I know some of you, my friends, read my blog to see what's up with me, so here I am with an update. I have pictures! Yayyyy haha. I took them when I was in Montreal.

Montreal are full of houses and buildings with the cool black fire-escape stairs. Love those! I love these two pictures. So pretty.
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y150/dajo1314/DSC00282.jpg
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y150/dajo1314/DSC00281.jpg

I love how brilliant the sky looks in this picture. Look at the cool French street signs, haha.
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y150/dajo1314/DSC00277.jpg

Coloured-glass windows. Now how cool is that?!
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y150/dajo1314/DSC00352.jpg

The Montreal Eaton's Centre. Well the mini-mall attached next to it, I think, haha.
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y150/dajo1314/DSC00366.jpg

One of the cool lights at one of the cool subway stations. Their transit is sooo much better than Toronto's.
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y150/dajo1314/DSC00345.jpg

One of the famous cathedrals in Montreal.
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y150/dajo1314/DSC00360.jpg
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y150/dajo1314/DSC00361.jpg

Smoggy street. My friend who is standing there inhaling it all haha.
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y150/dajo1314/DSC00357.jpg

Cool picture taken at an interesting angle of a building I like. I like the design of the building.
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y150/dajo1314/DSC00355.jpg

Funny sign pasted onto one of the doors at this building. It means something along the lines of: Privatization is a joke.
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y150/dajo1314/DSC00344.jpg

Montreal's small Chinatown, hehe.
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y150/dajo1314/DSC00349.jpg

Don't you all like my photography skills haha, joke. I do love taking pictures though.

Okay, school is almost over. I need to do better this semester. Need to...*sighs*

I miss you Michelle! I will write you stacks of letters during the summer. I'm sorry that I can't write to you right now. I love you too hun! I miss my optimistic Oz friend haha.

I need another job in addition to the one I have now for the summer. I must earn that money for next year's tuition and books. *sighs* Wish me luck job-hunting.

Okay, later for now!

Don't know...

2006-01-23T16:38:00.000-08:00

So today was election day here in Canada. I hope everyone voted, but if you wanted to vote for Conservatives, I rather you not vote at all =P. Hmmm, maybe not a good idea I talk about this on an online journal, since someone might be a Conservative read this and then threaten to kill me =P.

It was Irene's birthday yesterday. Yay! Happy Birthday. I wish I could spend time with her next year on her birthday. She told me she liked her present =D Yay! (Yea, I put it in front of her doorstep and called her while I was walking away to go outside to pick it up, so I didn't get to see her.)

I always complain about how I need to get away.....Guess what?! I AM! YAYY! Haha. For 3 days and 2 nights. At the beginning weekend of my reading week. I'm going with some New College (A college within my university. We have so many students that they had to separate us into these "colleges.") students. It's an event that my college was holding. I don't know any New College people so I called my friend from York to go with me. We are going to Montreal. Oh and I met this guy, while lining up to pay. He's rooming with us =D One less stranger in the room, thank god. See, we all have to share rooms. 4 people per room. So if you didn't get 3 other friends to go with you and share a room, you would have to room with a total stranger. This guy I met is very cool, and we talked a couple of times. So it's much better than a complete stranger I won't meet until that day. However, since it is only 3 of us so far, we will have to room with one other stranger. But it's better than 2! Okay, I'm sooo excited. It didn't cost much too. They offerered this package, which includes transportation (there and back), hotel, no line-ups to the nightclubs, and this 3 hour tour of Montreal for $100. It's great! However, that's only for New College students, so my friend from York had to pay $130. Still a great deal though. I can't wait!!!

I bumped into a special person today. Someone I loved dearly. Like not just in the platonic sense. I of course love this person now in that way, but oh how I was in love with that person before. My "first love" if you will. Only this person never knew about it =P. It was sooo great to see this friend, since I haven't talked to ___in so long and haven't seen ____ in a while too. After talking for 5 mins, we both had to go for class. I gave ____ a big hug. Squeezing ____as if I never wanted to let go. Now, wouldn't that be heavenly. No worries, I have moved on. I no longer obsess over this friend. But this person will always remind dear to my heart.

www.gaginang.org
What a great site! I'm so happy to have found out about it. I need to make more TC friends. I have only one right now. So ashamed. Yay TC!!

Just wanted to say thanks...

2006-01-13T15:06:00.000-08:00

Well first off, I just want to thank Mich for reading my blog and being there. Thank-you for the email. I was feeling pretty blue and then I read your email and blog and I'm feeling much better now. It's nice to know that someone cares about you, even if that person is half way around the world. I wish I could just fly myself over there. Better yet, zap myself, lol. It's much quicker, unless I could fly as fast as Superman. He's pretty fast. A speeding bullet is *thumbs up*.

Well, my back is still killing me, and right now and I'm sitting slouched up on my chair, since after sitting erect for an hour caused it pain. Severe pain. I saw a great massage chair on television over the Christmas holidays and it was fabulous! Now of course there is a problem with the chair....IT'S PRICE! HOLY MOLY! It's a thousand dollars $$$$ and this isn't including the shipping and handling, of course which would also be $$$, high that is. *Sighs*

Now, don't think I am constantly depressed and sighing, lol. Although *tone of voice goes up at the end* I am pretty depressed these days most of the time. Anywayyy, so I was saying...life isn't HORRIBLE! It's just not wonderful either haha. I'm not much of an optimist. You might have noticed, lol. But it is great having friends who are. Just not if you encounter one of those really annoying optimist who smile all day and don't seem to ever have a care in the world. That's just BS! LoL There heads aren't screwed on tight enough, since if it was, they would know pain and hunny, there's no smiling involved unless you like it. Which would bring us to the topic of S&M and I'm not going there. Haha!

My lord! Oh, I shouldn't use God's name in vain like that but...yea...I have definitely been watching too much Sex and the City. I'm starting to sound like Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker). LoL. Can't say that's good or bad....well, not yet?

Should, but can't...

2006-01-12T16:21:00.000-08:00

Well, once again, my lovely back *rolls eyes* is giving me not just discomfort, but PAIN!! Oh my.... 2 months of constant pain. I mean, I normally do have back pains. It is not unusual. However, it usually comes and goes. Nononono not this time. THIS TIME it just stays! I can't sit, stand, or walk without pain. I have work and school, I don't have time to lie down all day. I really really really need a masseuse or to see a chiropracter, but I am low on money. Well more than just low, but darn right in debt, lol. I want to clear my credit card bills. Every Christmas break this happens. I go out, buy presents, and yes...all the money goes bye bye.

I really need to do well this term (in Uni). I mean I should be studying right now! I need to get A's in all my classes, or else...

So much stress. Work is stressful, school is stressful, and pretty much everything in my life is giving me stress. I need someone...a partner who understands me and can comfort me. I need someone who I like and who feels the same for me.

There's this void I feel inside, and until I fill it, I will continue to feel alone and there's not much chance of me getting out of this depression/funk that I've been in for soooo long. I have so many great friends and my family is great as well, but....I still feel so alone. Like I'm wandering around this world alone.

I need money, and then! I need to get away...Just for a bit at least. I need a REAL vacation.

Umm but in lighter more happier news, I have more movies for my collection.

Amazed...

2005-11-30T15:57:00.000-08:00

I checked my comments and I found that a person I didn't know posted up a comment. It's amazing how other people, besides a few of my friends (that I know of) actually read my blog.

It's been a while since I have written on here. Still a lot of things on my mind. I suppose there is more now than there was before. A never-ending cycle of pain and stress, haha. Things get a little better and then boom! It goes back to being...not so good.

I'm over R now. Ever since my birthday, that helped trigger a big realization, I started getting over her. Anyway..a couple of days ago I wrote a poem. I was motivated again, hehe. I was in a sad reminscent mood and yea...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In The Fields of Snow

As I stood out in the fields of snow,
With my eyes closed
And my arms out,
As though I were embracing the wind,
I felt your presence in my soul.
My body cold,
But my heart filled with warmth.

My ears heard the gusts of wind,
Surrounding me,
Running across me...
But in my mind,
I heard your voice,
I heard your laughter,
And the concern you have for me in your voice.

I felt tingles up and down my spine,
But this was not from the wind.
This was from you...
From the joy you brought me
When you entered my life.

By: Jo L.

A combination of feelings...

2005-10-15T20:58:00.000-07:00

Well, for those of you who know me, you know I tend to think a lot. Actually, a whole lot. I think when I eat, when I sit, when I stand, even when I am talking I can think about something totally different. So many thoughts, due so much stress...
I'm sort of fed up with everything. I used to be one of those..."I love everyone" people. Well not loving everyone, but not disliking so many people, and well...I guess I was very naive. Now...now I seem to really care about a certain group of people. I only seem to care to want to see or want to contact a small group of people. So basically, I don't really give about that many people anymore. It's funny....I became "colder." Never thought that was going to happen, although, I am somewhat happy that I am this way now. It means being in less pain. If there are less people you care about, you now have less people disappointing you, and believe me, I was always disappointed by someone...and it's not singular, it's plural. The problem with me before was, I gave out a whole lot....I had my heart on my my sleeve...I cared too much about too many, and although I didn't expect a whole lot back, and was okay for the longest time of not having this "care" reciprocated, I deserve better. I know that now, and I'm fed up with people, haha. I am not saying it is not good to care or that I am no longer accepting, it's just that...well, if you always accept being treated badly, then this bad treatment will only persist.

I do feel very alone these days...Friends who I thought were my friends aren't really my friends. They are better classified as acquaintances, and as for family, well yes, I have family who love me. But if you know me, you know that I could never really talk to my family. I basically only have a few people who I can really talk to, and even fewer people who can relate to me. I have a lot to worry about, but hey! Let's face it, who doesn't? But I am finding hard to cope with. I'm exhausted... It's really hard battling my depression at times, and well, being bi-polar (not extreme though, I'd say I'm slightly bi-polar, well the condition seems to be worsening) is not helping my situation. I care at times, and at times I don't give a fuck about anything or anyone, except of course, my parents, who I love more than anyone or anything in this world. Ahhh my parents...they are my reason for living. Something that I believe is true that Emile Durkheim (Sociologist) said was this:
"...So far as they are the admitted masters of their destinies, it is their priviledge to end their lives. They, on their part, have no reason to endure life's sufferings patiently. For they cling to life more resolutely when belonging to a group they love, so as not to betray interests they put before their own. The bond that unites them with the common cause attaches them to life and the lofty goal they envisage prevents their feeling personal troubles so deeply."

So basically it is my love for them that makes me not want to depart this world. It would be selfish to end my life, because it's making life easier for me, but not for the ones who love me who would have to remain on Earth. Okay, I can't say my parents are purely the reason. There are obviously friends who I love dearly, who I don't want to put through pain.

I apologize for those of you who will actually read this, but this whole entry is not very detailed, since it won't explain a whole lot. It just explains how I feel, but not why I feel this way and that. That part is much harder to explain, and I don't want to bother trying...

I'm still hurting of course...I put on a tough front a lot of the time, but I'm one sensitive gal. I'm easily hurt by others. Not to say there are many people in my life who want to hurt me. Most of the time, these people don't even know they are and so of course, they aren't inflicting pain on me intentionally. Hence why I am also trying to be "cold" and remain that way. If I don't care for that many people, they can't hurt me. It's quite amazing the number of defense mechanisms I have, haha. I am aware of them all too, well...I am sure there are a few I am not even aware of. But yea...I guess all of those years of feeling hurt has taken its toll.

Well I`m legal now...

2005-10-04T19:15:00.000-07:00

So my birthday was on Sept 29, last Thurs. I celebrated on the 30th, and if you want to see pics or find out details, you can go to my space. I`m kind of down these days. Disappointed and hurt....So I have a new poem! Yes, another one...

Disappointment

I thought I knew you.
I thought we had a special bond,
But little did I know then that
I was wrong.

The disappointment is weighing me
Down,
Like wet clothes on my body.

Drowning in my tears,
And gasping for air,
Darkness covers my world
Leaving very little light to spare.

I had high hopes,
When I should have known better.
My heart constantly defied my brain,
Leaving my soul vulnerable to harm.

Mixed with anger
And depression,
I struggle to surpass the throbbing pain of
Disappointment,
But find myself unsuccessful…

Contemplating whether or not to
Let go of you altogether,
I find my heart and mind battling it out
Once again.

By: Jojo L.

Reluctant, or maybe just lazy...

2005-09-15T13:58:00.000-07:00

For some reason, I always try avoiding writing on here now. I don't know why. But it seems as though, every time I finish reading a friend's blog, I feel compelled to write up an entry myself. So anyway, how am I? *sighs*

I'm many things: frustrated, sad, exhausted, sick (cold and cough), stressed, poor, worried, and well let's just say there are no real happy good emotions roaming inside of me these days. I need a vacation from my life.

I can't see R tomorrow because I am sick, and I don't want R getting sick. I'm missing a lot of my friends who am I now too busy to see or even talk to, and the ones I make time for, well...something always comes up. I'm constantly trying to make other people feel better because right now it is a rough time for many of my friends, but I just can't seem to console myself, something I used to be okay at. There's just too much to handle right now. My birthday is coming up and sadly, I don't even feel like doing anything. There's just too much...too much...I just hope that I can see R that evening. I luckily don't have my usual evening class then. For once something played to my favour, I was about to skip the class if I did have class though. So I am quite happy that I don't have class, because I would really hate to have to skip it.
Di...Di seems to be making no effort to see or talk to me, and although I miss her very much, seeing as we haven't seen each other in months, I am sick of being the only one who cares and initiate.
Mich, I know you read my blog when you can, and well, I want to let you know. I miss you lots. I wish you were here so I could complain and whimper to you, lol. I remember when I was down, really down once, and you noticed that on msn, and then later on that night you called my cell to talk to me to try and make me feel better. But I was asleep, and didn't pick up, so you texted me the next morning to say good morning. Awwww..so sweet. I am very lucky and happy to have a friend like you, hence why it is so sad that you are half way around the world.
Thi, what can I say? I love you like a sister. Always there for me, always trying to cheer me up and listen to my yimmer yammer. You are the bestest friend a person can have. Thanks for being there...I hope I can get through this mess soon...

Happy Birthday bro! You are an ass, but I love you lots. He won't be reading that or any of this, thank god. Hehe...But I had to wish him it...

Jo Sung Mo- Mr. Flower (8)

What's your drink?

2005-09-03T19:33:00.000-07:00

You Are a Mai Tai

You aren't a big drinker, but you'll drink if the atmosphere is festive.
And when you're drunk, watch out! You're easily carried away.

What Mixed Drink Are You?

Personality test..

2005-09-03T19:24:00.000-07:00

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant.
Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle.
You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs.

For you, comfort and calm are very important.
You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection.
You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

In need of miracles...

2005-08-29T11:31:00.000-07:00

It's been over a week without my internet. I had to resort to going to my campus library to check my emails. Now, I am using dial-up temporarily until I get my dsl back. I'm using the bell dial-up until I get my high speed back. They are so incompetent and unreliable. I better get my internet back soon or else I am just going to Rogers.

Anyway, back to other news. I hope my hun, TP, will be okay. I know you will be okay hun. UT are bastards, but let's hope they don't screw you over hun. I have faith. *Sighs* I have so much to worry about now...I know I am not the only one, but *sighs* I'm really sick of work now...yet I am working full time. I need money. I need a miracle. TP and I, both need miracles. I am screwed this fall. *Prays* We will make it hopefully.

Diana. I miss her. She was supposed to get back on the 25th, and I still haven't heard from her. I am worried. Each day since then has been long. I really want to see if she is okay.

*Sighs* I miss R. I miss so many of my friends. There is so freaking many people I have to see. 10+ No time too =( I have to earn money for school and to pay off for my freaking driving lessons. The stupid driving instructor is supposed to call me on the weekend to tell me if he could teach me today or not, and no call yet. I'm so pissed off at all the bullshit lately. I'm also frustrated, worried, and just flat out tired...Trust me when I say I have a whole lot on my mind.

I'm worried at how I am going to pay for the tuition and books this fall. I need to ace all my courses this fall. I don't know how I am going to do that. *Sighs* That's all for now...

Vacations..Or just away..

2005-07-19T17:30:00.000-07:00

Well...While many of my friends have either left for vacation and come back already or left and haven't come back already, or there are some who are about to leave. Well Di went off to Ghana for community work, and I miss her greatly, but yeah..Everyone has gone somewhere to destress, and moi? I am here. I will not go anywhere. No vacation. Just good ol' school and work all year around. GOD I NEED FUCKING VACATION. Excuse my profanity. I just can't seem to NOT swear when I'm stressed....and let's not forget I'm poor. I'm starting to get worried that I won't save enough by the time school kicks in. I need to start "raking up the dough." *Sighs*

R is going to Greece next week. I don't know if I'll notice R's disappearance for that week. I mean, I'll know R is gone, but....will I feel different? R and I stopped talking on a day to day basis so I've went days without talking to R. The most I spent without seeing R is a month, and I managed, so I guess I won't notice R's disapperance, I guess. *Sighs* I mean...No, I think I'll feel it, because I won't stop remembering that R isn't in Toronto anymore. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think of R. It's been about four months now, and yup...notta. I mean the feeling has died down a bit. I don't crave R as much. Haha, by that I mean, I don't NEED to see and talk to R THAT often anymore. Before, if one day passed without speaking to R, I would be sad and whiny haha. But now I can handle it better. I know it is because the situation changed and I've gotten used to not talking to R on a daily basis and seeing R around once a week. But, I don't think that if I keep up not talking to R as often and not see R for months at a time that I will get over R. Because everytime I talk to R and especially every time I see R. I'm happy. I'm...entranced. I'm so not over R. Haha. I mean, even when I'm out with other people, I think of R. Everyday, there is at least 10 things that make me think or say, "Aww that reminds me of...." Holy. I just spent a while speaking of R. Haha, I'm not that obsessed, so let's move on!!

There are many friends that I have kind of lost touch with, and many friends I miss so dearly. Sometimes I just wish I could go back to HS. Sure there were a lot of sleepless nights and a lot of hard work, but hey! I spent 5 days a week with friends that I love. And even with the friends who weren't in my classes, I could pass them in the halls and say, "Hi," and them hug them. But now, wow. There are so many of them I didn't talk to since our graduation ceremony in October. Then there are friends from Uni (a few who also went to HS with me) who I haven't seen much since the end of the Uni year. But yay!! I am seeing Rache next week. I miss her so much. ....Aiya, I am supposed to spend the day with Christine, since her Birthday is coming up, but the day of her Birthday I am going to Wonderland = I planned the Wonderland trip for weeks now with my other best friends, so I can't back out of course. I mean I bought the ticket already and I really want to go. Man I better set up something with her soon. Haha. What a long blog? So as you can see there has been a lot on my mind.

Metropia (a show shot in Toronto) is so good!! You got to love a show about deceit, sex, crimes, betrayal, and interesting characters like the homosexuals on the show haha. I can't wait to finish off L word!! A Vancouver friend of mine, who was sweet enough to send me the L word season 2 through mail (she downloaded it and burned it), also got me so interested in Queer as Folk. Haha, I need to watch that sometime soon. Maybe after my upcoming exam. I sent her The OC season 1 on dvds and the Butterfly Effect (movie with Ashton Kutcher), hehe. She wasn't into the OC, but omg! Everyone should, so haha, I sent her the dvds.

So recently, I found out my sponsor child from Ghana is name Abraham. Awww. I still need to write him a letter! Among other things. I want to ship him some toys and stuff =D. I'm finally checking off my list of things I've always wanted to do, such as donate blood, fill out my organ donor card, and sponsor a child. I still have to volunteer at the hospital. I'll do that next summer =).

Man, I have a test coming up on TOMORROW! AHHHHHHHHH!!! I hate tests! This is the last one though before our accumulative exam. *Opens up her eyes big with fright* I need to cram my little tooshie off tonight and tomorrow morn. *Sighs* I hate cramming. Haha, you would think I've learned by now, but uhh...yeeeaaaaaa. I'm a doofus? Haha. Okay, I'm off now. I think my blog is long enough.

OH wait! I have to talk about movies and music, my passion. Which reminds me, I passed away one of my dream jobs, a job at Blockbuster, because the interview was when I had class. But also b/c that would mean I would start off with lower pay than now, and I was afraid of the hours. I don't think they would have given me the flexibility Tim's do. So I'm kicking myself right now, since I really want to work there. I am such a big movie and music fan, it would have been great to work there. Okay, now to music...The Organ- Brother, Broken Social Scene- Lover's Split, and the song that I can't seem to download: Donnie Owens- Sweet Angel are in my head. As for movies, Batman Begins was wicked, and I really want to watch Fantastic Four!! Charlie in the Chocolate Factory too! And of course, I am still encouraging people to watch Saving Face! Okay, this blog ends .....now!

Muuu..

2005-07-14T15:46:00.000-07:00

I have a lot on my mind....but I am speechless....for now.

Look What You've Done

2005-07-03T12:14:00.000-07:00

Jet- Look what you've done (8)

"It seems like fun until you lose what you have won.."

Feeling kind of down right now. I wish I just called Diana before she left for Ghana, but....I really hate making phone calls, and she didn't text me back, well...assuming she got it. Man, that's the one thing I dread ..that person....now I can't make phone calls. I fear the awkwardness way too much.

So I'm still in pain...I wish I could get rid of this void inside me. I wish that I could forget them all....I wish my parents wouldn't make me feel so inadequate sometimes...I love them, I even still love the ones who caused me pain. But they aren't to blame.....I guess...It's me....it's me..

What makes a good day from a bad one? Why can't I turn this day into a good one?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! If only I could scream out loud in real life....

Autonomy....

I miss many people. Too bad I'm not doing anything about it. Like usual...

Notta..

2005-06-21T16:07:00.000-07:00

Sad how the only things I can look foward to our new movies. Not that if I had something better, I wouldn't be looking foward to it as well. I mean, afterall, I am a movie fanatic.
*sighs* There isn't really anything great in my life right now. Only things that make me sad. I have so much to worry about. It drives me nuts. So much I want to do, but...I am not doing it. Thinking about how I am, I know I'm so damn lazy. I could do so much more. There is so much I can do for this world. Donating my blood and money isn't enough. I try to volunteer, but the places I want to really volunteer at really require a lot of commitment and dedication and with school and work, I don't know if I can do that too, which goes back to the topic of laziness. My mindset is all wrong and I hate it! It drives me mad! But nothing I can do. If my mindset wasn't that I should be resting and vacationing, but rather, working hard and making the differences that I long to do, I would be good. If my mindset was to focus on earning money (for school), school, and volunteer work, I wouldn't feel so out of it....so lonely. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am happy for my friends who have someone, but I envy them so much. Sometimes, I feel like I have no one. I know I have friends and family, and that should be more than enough, but.....*sighs* I still can't help but feel like there is a big part missing in my life. I hate all these mixed emotions I have. One minute, I feel so lucky and happy and the next, I feel empty and unhappy. Everyday is a rollercoaster of emotions/feelings.

I've been thinking more and more about the past lately. Of high school, elementary school, and etc. I felt more complete back then, but now? I don't know why. It just seems like I am so empty. I don't know what my purpose is anymore. One of my fantasies.....pathetic how this is a fantasy and not something I can just go out and do, but....is to go somewhere really high. Climb some kind of mountain and just yell at the top of my lungs at the cliff. Here in Toronto, you can't do that without being looked at weird or scolded at. I try boxing, but....it doesn't do it sometimes. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

One after another....I wish the disappointment & pain could just end.

Piss off!

2005-06-01T23:50:00.000-07:00

Hello homo. (haha, you know like hellomoto, motorola's new ad line) Okay, anyway, now that my queerness is out of the way. Today, omg I was such an idiot. I had a sociology test, which by the way, I did not really study for, since I didn't even read for the first time 1 quarter of what was on the darn test. But I ran out of the house without money, tokens, and A FUDGIN' BELT! I didn't notice until I was in the car. My pants kept on dropping to the freaking ground, well not really, but it was low hunny. Okay anyway, after I failed that miserable long ass test, and after I attended my 5 min tutorial (it was cut short about an hour since our TA wasn't there), I decided to go home, and then I noticed no tokens, and omfg, no money! So I was sort of panicking and hoping that Robart's second floor is still open (since it was around 8:30), so that I could go to the ATM and get some money for a token so I could go home. Okay, after all that walking and after I had to walk to the other end of St. George Station (further end), the TTC man was not there!! So I saw this white guy with his backpack on and I think he goes to UT with me, anyway, I saw him ripping out an adult ticket so he can go home, so I asked him if he had change so I could break this twenty and buy a ticket from him. He was so nice enough to just give me one, awww. Okay anyway, the entire way home I was so conscientious about my pants that was almost falling and how horrible I must of looked haha. Stupid big pants with no belt. Haha. Mich is gone *cries* I am going to miss her. I took pics with my camera phone, and I don't look so good, haha, but she looks pretty as always. I really hope those Tim Tam candies (from Australia) she gave me are good, haha, I am not that big of a fan for cherries, but it was such a sweet gesture on her part to give it, and I am sure I will enjoy them.

Saturday I will get to see my hunnies, since it is Pisa's bday! Yay! I hope she like my gift, it cost me a day's paycheck at Tim's. But she is worth it =) I miss my Tp and Kel too, hehe. I can't wait to bug them on Sat, oh wait, I mean show my "lovin'. "

*sighs* I am still trying to get over R. Haha, pathetic I know. I am one of those *cheung ching* (chinglish) people, which means if I like something/someone; I usually will for a long time, I am somewhat attached to it/him/her. Not a perfect translation, but really! It is just because there isn't a perfect one, haha. I think...lalalalala....yessss...*moves her eyes side to side* *sighs* 'Tis not easy for me. Haha, on another note, man it isn't easy to work at my workplace, haha, so many distractions (good looking people, hehe). Iliana, a friend of mine, and I made a pack that in one yr's time, we will both have a partner (significant other) and we will all sit down and have ourselves a drink (alcoholic of course, haha). Let's hope we can both get over the person we both feel for but cannnot have right now, and move on and find someone great! *crosses her finger*

Update..

2005-05-25T19:03:00.000-07:00

Well let's talk about the new things I got since I last talked about me. A hat, a new mp3, a new cell phone, and sunglasses. Oh yea, I bought 5 dvds too. Okay, now for me to talk about more important things...

I'M STILL WAITING TO GET INTERVIEWED BY BANANA REPUBLIC. JESUS CHRIST! It's been a couple of fucking weeks. But the guy that has to interview me, his work scheduale is very incompatible with mine. Grrrrr. Today was my third sociology class (summer school) and I got up the courage to answer questions and asked the teacher a question in private *drops jaw* Haha, so proud! I hate being the silent invisible one in class, since I am so used to being the outspoken one. The one who always has some opinion or question. So I am quite happy that I talked in class. There are about 200 students, so it is somewhat frightening to talk out loud, but I did it! Yay!..... I'm working to save up for tuition and books and etc., since uni is very expensive. *cries* I really hope I get the Banana job, since they do pay much better than my current job and there are much more benefits. Let's hope. *crosses fingers*

I am so thrilled this week, since Madagascar is coming out this Friday and I'm going to watch it! The added bonus is that I am going to watch it with R. Both R and I have been waiting to watch this movie for quite some time now. The penguins and lemurs are just too adorable!!! Hehe. *Sighs* I need money....I need to study! So many things *shakes head* I miss my girls very much as well. Love you AA!

Shadow

2005-05-21T21:24:00.000-07:00

Shadow

I watched her sitting alone in agony,
And my heart quivered a bit to see tears run down her face.
Moments later, she put on a brave face,
As if she didn’t have a care in the world.
She smiled and greeted others
And they exchanged quick pleasantries.
Soon after, she dragged down the streets alone
With her head down and back slouched.

She often puts on the illusion that
Her mind is free from worries, frustration
That her heart is free from anguish.
But as I observe her from behind,
Like a shadow,
I see differently.

Every morning,
She tries to place a mask on her face,
To hide; to disguise her true feelings,
However, unaware
And sometimes, just out of clumsiness,
Her true feelings of emptiness, regret, and unhappiness
Surface,
And with each time that it occurs,
A crack begins to form on the mask.

Looking into my own reflection,
I see her…
I am her.

--Jo L.

Fatigued...

2005-05-15T18:00:00.000-07:00

I worked 5 days in a row for 8 hours a day this week, and at Tim Horton's man. Our store is always packed with people and I have to do so many different duties. So freaking tiring!! I bought a new phone recently, Nokia 6260, and for those of you who are not too familiar with phones, it's a flip phone who's top part can rotate 360 degrees and it comes fully loaded (mp3, radio, games, document viewer, etc etc.). The phone is not cheap, so I have to work to pay it off *cries* I am happy with the phone though, hehe. Well somewhat...

I watched Unleased with R on Friday night (May 13th), haha, that was the highlight of my week. For one, because I was able to spend time with R and for 2, I really wanted to watch Unleashed, haha. The movie was fantastic!! And I am not simply talking about the fighting scenes. The plot and acting was also very good too. Okay, now to wait for Madagascar to come out so I can watch it *winks*. Haha, wow, obsessed...no joke...hehe.

Long Overdue....

2005-05-09T00:37:00.000-07:00

Well just to keep things up to date, I will first talk about my time with R when I went over to just watch TV. R looked really good in R's tank *sighz*. The whole getting over R thing is not running too smoothly, but hey! It's coming. I noticed it when I was at R's place. I no longer felt those sparks I felt before. I still like R though. Everything reminds me of R and I still can't forget about the thing's R said and the memories of us "hanging." I guess I will be requiring a few more months.....or more......I'm one of those people who when he/she likes a person, they like them for a very long time. I went out with my friends today as like a farewell 'get-together', since one of my best friends is going to Asia for a month. Anyway, I found myself still mesmorized by my "first love." Haha, the friend that I fell in love with for over 4 yrs now, but who doesn't know my feelings. I still think about this friend often, and everytime I think I can put this friend behind me and really just move on, I find myself still...mesmorized. Well, I have moved on a great deal since high school, and that's why I was able to fall for R, but still...it's like this little flame in my heart that hasn't gone out yet.

I watched Crash with Morgan, Thi, and Kenny today. Good movie. I loved it. It's a really good movie that makes you think. All of these little interesting stories of these different characters tied up in some way, and all having to do with racism in some way, shape, or form. Haha, no Pickel Barrel today. The one in Atrium Bay is closed down, so my huns and I went to Spring Rolls. Mmmm, good food. It was so great to spend time with my huns, Thi, Lisa, and Kel today. I missed them so much. No Tony for 1 month. Wow, lol...going to be odd. I bought another book today. I want to have a large collection of books one day. I always wanted my own little library, hehe. Too bad I'm not wealthy enough for that. But with my passion for books, music, and movies, my collection will continue to expand and I'm sure one day, I'll have a room for my collections =D I bought R a bag of Lindt Lindor Hazelnut Chocolates today. I hope I will see R soon so I can give it to R. Kk, I'm tired, no more for now....I'm supposed to go rock climbing tomorrow, but let's see...

P.S. I wub you TP, lmao

'Tell All'

2005-05-03T20:26:00.000-07:00

Haha, I am now afraid to write on this thing, haha. I was googling my name to see if I can find anything on me, and when I was browsing, the search results gave me my blog here. Kind of scary the thought that my thoughts are not just open to my friends who read this, but people who browse too! I mean, I guess I always kind of knew, but this was like a kick in the ass to wake up, hehe. Ah well, this online general has kept me sane for so longs, so I will continue to write in it. Well I'm seeing the optometrist tomorrow and then it's off to the UT campus for me until I meet up with my friend so I can buy her textbooks from her, since she took the class I want to take this summer, sociology. Then in the evening, I'm going to see R. Oh how I miss R! I haven't seen R in weeks. WEEKS!!! That's crazy. Also, before yesterday, I didn't talk to her for days! DAYS!! So crazy, haha. Wow, obsessed, eh? Haha. Nawww....Just missing a good companion who I also have feelings for *turns red*. Lifehouse- Fool (song) Good song!! Hehe, listening to Lifehouse as we speak, so that's why I brought that up out of nowhere. But it isn't abnormal to bring up music out of nowhere, since my life revolves around movies and music, hehe. Well, I put seeing my doctor for too long, so on Friday, I'm going to see my family doctor. Aiya! I hate seeing doctors, haha, even though I'm looking to become a medical professional =P.

Today was a major wow, why you ask? I finally had that long awaited talk with my folks. I've been keeping in all these feelings and these things I've been dying to tell them for a year now. I was scared they wouldn't take it well, but no! I was so surprised to hear that they care about my physical and mental health more than everything else. I thought they were going to kill me when I told them how bad I was doing in school, but they accepted it. They told me I can tell them anything, and that I shouldn't keep it all bottled inside, and don't feel as if I need to keep it in because I am afraid of what they will say or how they will react, because all they really care about is my health. AWWWWWwwwwww. I always felt like I couldn't tell them anything, but I feel better now. I have to work my lil toosh off this summer. I need learn how to be more independent and work, while going to school. School comes first though, of course. I was told that if I failed the course I am about to take during the summer, I would be suspended =O. I need to ace it!! Thank you Thi for your motivation hun, I love you! The same goes to all my other friends, you guys have been angels. I hope this second chance goes well. School is so expensive, I know that I need really work this summer! Let's hope all goes well.

I hope my optometrist doesn't tell me my condition (glaucoma) has become worse. I hope my family doctor tells me everything will be okay. *sighz* My many health issues....Life goes on though!

'Tell All'

2005-05-03T17:03:00.000-07:00

Quotes..

2005-04-24T11:44:00.000-07:00

Before I start pasting on some of my favourite quotes. I thought I talk about yesterday. Well, I did go meet up with Candy at the library to study. Well kind of study, since I didn't get much studying done. But, I did not go see R. R got sick and cancelled on me the day of. I really wish I could go over there now and take care of R. Whenever somebody I care about gets sick, I become like this concerned parent or this concerned nurse who needs to pamper and take care of the ill. Anyway...I miss R. Okay, thought I just say that. At the lib, Candy and I had many long talks about family, life, and lalala. It was nice. Quite amusing actually.

"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves." --Carl Jung

"Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity." --Carl Jung

"If one does not understand a person, one tends to regard him as a fool. "--Carl Jung

Haha. As you might have noticed, I love Carl Jung's quotes, hehe. He was a very knowledgeable psychologist.

This one is one of my favourites, since I've seen this result in myself & another. :
"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed." --Carl Jung

"It is what we know already that often prevents us from learning." --Claude Bernard

"A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new. " --Albert Einstein

"If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. " --Albert Einstein

"The only source of knowledge is experience. " --Albert Einstein

"The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination. " --Albert Einstein

"The value of a man should be seen in what he gives and not in what he is able to receive. " --Albert Einstein

Alrighty! No more quotes! I think I have enough, haha. You got to love Einstein and Jung, hehe.

Untitled

2005-04-22T18:03:00.000-07:00

I watched myself drown
In this seemingly endless sea of disappointment.
I watched myself screaming; shrieking
But no one heard me, but me...
I was frozen.
I tried to move, but couldn't!
Tears ran down from my eyes, as I watched myself gasping for air.
Minutes passed, and suddenly, all I heard was the wind.
The screaming stopped.
The tears from my eyes turned red,
And even though I was able to move again,
It was too late.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For those of you who read my msn space, the same poem is in my blog for today.

I'm drinking my black coffee right now. It's really strong and has somewhat of a bitter taste to it, even though I added sugar to it. Looking at it, you find nothing appealing about it. But once you take a sip, you feel compelled to take another one, until you finish the whole cup.

I'm going to study at the library tomorrow with Candy and then later on in the evening, I'm going to watch some movies with R. Robbs can't make it this Saturday. She has to study for her exam on Monday. She plans to definitely come down next week, but I will be working on the Saturday of the weekend she plans to come. I think that's when she plans to come down. I guess I won't be seeing her this month. We'll see about the future. I should be studying right now, but I'm in one of those moods again. Where I sit and think about the world, my life, and all of the ups and downs. I can't seem to focus on what I have to study. I'll be watching Bridget Jone's Diary, the Edge of Reason with R tomorrow. I've been wanting to watch it for quite some time now, so I'm sort of excited to watch it tomorrow. Anyway, I think this is enough for today.

Day with Mich! And yea...

2005-04-20T23:58:00.000-07:00

Today, I chilled with my very amusing friend, Michelle. She's so cute, hehe, and very fun to hang out with. Mich is from Australia, and has been here for one yr as an exchange student. I'm really going to miss her niceness! She is so sweet! I asked her earlier on this month if she knew where to get a copy of the Bible, because I sadly didn't have one, and she got me one today! It was such a nice present =) I'm going to read it tonight before I go to bed. Oh yes, for anyone who is amazingly reading this, I'm partly Christian. Yes, partly. I'm still not a full one because there are some things about the religion I just don't agree with. But my love for god is growing! Anyway, back to the day with Mich. It was great, since we went to Yorkdale to shop. MMMMMMmmmmmm shopping!! I got new pants from Jacob Connexion, yay! Mich tried on this cute lil skirt there, but didn't get it. I think she looked quite nice in it. OMG!! So many new nice stores at Yorkdale!!! *Drools!* Great for a shopping lover like me, since I don't live too far from Yorkdale. Woohoo! I'm going to be quite sad when Mich leaves though. Its hard finding a good friend that is so happy, nice, and so go-lucky like her. Whenever I am so down, frustrated, angry, or whatever, after talking to her, haha..I just smile again! It's quite hard to find friends that can do that. Her optimism just gets you all good again. Wow, I've been talking too much about her now, haha, I better shut up or else somebody's going to think I really dig her....and you all know in what way, haha! Just friends ppl! Good friends are hard to find, that's all! Okay, I better study tonight! I'm so dead =( Darn exams!!! Physics and chemistry? Holy _____!!

Saturday! I hope Robbs comes down on Saturday! I would really love to spend some time with her. She's such a sweet cute nice girl! I love talking to her online, I just hope things won't be awkward between us when we "hang out" on Saturday. If I do see Robbs, after that, in the evening, I will be seeing R. No matter if I see Robbs during the day or not, I'm still going to "chill" with R. I really miss R's company. I talk to R on Msn, but haven't seen R in weeks. I really miss those "movie nights." I miss crawling up on R's sofa and we cuddle up and watch TV together. *Sigh* I know I should really try to avoid seeing R until I'm over R, or that I shouldn't be missing R so much, but I can't help it. I still really care for R. Our friendship means a lot to me, so I really don't want to avoid talking to or seeing R. I shouldn't have to, but I know........I'm in pain. Honestly, I know I would be in 10x more pain if I couldn't talk to R or see R. R has become a important person in my life. A good confidante and companion.

OC with my OC buddy (aka, best friend and confidante) next week! Yay! I can't wait to watch OC with you TP! Miss you like crazy hun! Good luck on your exam tomorrow hun! Good luck to everyone on their horrific exams!!

2005-04-19T22:57:00.000-07:00

My beloved pillow and I! My favourite thing in the whole wide world, teehee.

2005-04-19T22:51:00.000-07:00

Hell's Angels. Hehe. My little collage that I made with Photoshop. My fav photo!

I'm frightened and very stupid...

2005-04-18T00:54:00.000-07:00

I had an entire week to study for the biology exam and yet, I procrastinated like no other. I tried very hard to study, but I was simply just not focused. I can't seem to focus now as we speak and my exam is tomorrow. I have yet studied even a quarter of what will be on it too. I know that I have to really ace this exam, and I am very worried about it, but....like its been all year long, I just can't get myself to do something about it. Its simply uncontrollable! Not to mention very irritating, since its like watching yourself drown, and wanting to save yourself, but your so stunned and out of it that you just stand there and watch; not doing a damn thing about it. Not much of this info that I have to study really excites me as well, which doesn't make things any easier. I know that there are some things that are clouding my focus, and I really can't get it out of my head. My heart is always occupied and for that reason, my mind is never at rest. I perfectly aware of how much more important studying is, but...*sighz* I just wish that I could be that focused and smart Jo I once was in high school. I mean, at least then, I was smart enough to study, and now? .......Jang Nara- Confession. I love this song. When you are down, its a nice sad song to listen to. Okay, I think I should end my entry here, and attempt to study again. I'm running out of time =S

2005-04-06T21:18:00.000-07:00

Me in my jammies and with my piggy, Mister Mister.

2005-04-06T21:16:00.000-07:00

Jo in black and white =)

P4L! sighz...hard hard..

2005-04-02T19:22:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm still trying! I can't seem to get my mind off of R. It sucks ass, lol. Oh my god my legs, especially my feet, hurt so bad! I just got back from work =(.

My friend and I made up our own little club. It is called the "Pillows 4 Life" club =D, P4L for short. It originated when I was talking to my friend Vickie on msn and then we were talking about our situations, and I talked about how much I love my pillow, hehe, since it's been with me since I was a baby, and that if my house was ever on fire, that would be one thing I would definitely bring along with me as I run out of the house, lol. Anyway, my msn name was, "OMG, I LOVE YOU! My dear sweet............................................pillow, fuck humans, lol." Then I continued to say that I get the lovin' I need from my pillow, and she agreed, hehe...pillows are better than the bs we get from people, hehe. That's how it all began! The club started, hehe. I'm the prez and she is the co-prez. The club is for dateless loveless people who are sick of human's bs! Lol...I recruitted a new member today, hehe.

Back to the matters that are driving me mad these days: R, school, my health, my psyche, my future, and home. All of these matters are interconnected in some way. For those of you who are reading this, you must be a friend of mine and so reading "my health" as one of the problems, must be getting you worried right now. Don't worry, it's nothing too serious....I guess. I'll survive? It's not a fatal illness (well, at least I don't know of any right now, but then again, I haven't had a full body check up in yrssssss). I don't really like seeing doctors or dentists, even though I'm looking to become a medical professional, haha. Ironic, I know. I just hate hearing from the doctor all my fucking problems, which mind you is not a small list. Haha, I still remember when my doctor diagnose me with "Irritable bowel syndrome" in high school (grade 11). I'm sure none of you heard of this syndrome, so I will give you the description/definition as it says in the medical encyclopedia that I have. "Abnormally increased motility of the small and large intestines, often with emotional stress. Mostly young adults are affected. They complain about *mumbles* and, sometimes, pain in the lower abdomen. The pain is often stopped by moving the bowels....(one of the symptoms is lactose intolerance, hehe, y'all know I have that)...Although this is a functional disorder, patients experience pain and discomfort and need emotional support. Mild tranquilizers or antidepressants are sometimes given to relieve anxiety or depression." Well, I never took any medication for it, since I don't like taking medication, well except for my best friend, Peptobesmol hehe. I'm pretty damn sure I still have this syndrome. I'm pretty sure it got worse, lol. Fun fun! I can't eat anything these days without experiencing stomach pains...heck, what am I talking about, I don't even have to eat and I still experience pain. I should have had the stomach surgery as a child, hehe, I lied so that I wouldn't have to have it, since I was scared. Along with my horrible feet problems (crippled), which I could be crippled in the future if it continues to worsen. Of course I also have many more fun and joyous health problems, such as a great likelihood of having Glaucoma...but I don't feel like talking about it.
Okay, onto R! I still really like R, so it's hard to move on. But, I guess I have to, while remaining friends with R, since R's friendship means sooooo much to me. It hurts a lot sometimes though....Sleepless nights....*sighz* But, what can you do, but sit on a screw? Lol, that's a queer little rhyme I made up yrsssss ago. I'll be watching the much anticipated film, "Sin City" with R this fri, hopefully....if things don't get screwed for me. I've been dying to see this film for months now!
Okay, now onto School. I hate talking about schoool, and if you know me, you should know that I dread it when ppl ask me about it. I go nutzoid sometimes. *sighz* But just to sum it up for those of you who care, and want to know. I'm doing so horrible that I have a extremely high probability of getting a zero GPA by the end of this yr. If you think I am exaggerating, then you'll seeeee! If I ACE my exams and the last test I have on tues (physics), then I have some chance of passing all my courses, or else, I'm so screwed that words could not even begin to explain, which adds on to my stress that I already have. This problem ties up with "my future." I'm not going to have any, if my worse nightmare happens.
"My psyche." I don't really know what to say about it right now...
"Home." *sighz* I can't be me. I can't..*sighz* and..*sighz*...so much...so much....I love my friends, especially my best friends/close friends..you guys know who you are. But there are some family probs you can't talk about....and you don't want to talk about. One thing that you all should be aware of is my struggle to "be me" with them...to confront them about me and tell them my (more than one) situations. I'm living a double life and it's hard. I hate deceiving my parents, since they mean the world to me. I love them so much...I know that I would have been long "gone" by now, if it wasn't for the love I have for them. Especially during this one phase I was in, in which....you wouldn't even want to hear it. I don't want to rebel and just do whatever I think I need to do. They don't allow me to grow up, and experience life...and I don't have the heart to really rebel against them, because all I want to do is make them happy. So, with these mixed emotions, I'm often a bitch to them sometimes, because I have to deal with all this trauma, and to know that if they were just more accepting and not so "old-fashioned," I could experience life and be me. I'll admit, I'm subtlely rebelling, but nothing too big! *sigh*
I understand....I understand that my problems are not that great compared to many. I understand that with the problems I have, I still have it sooooo good. I have a family that loves me and is there for me, I have friends who are there for me and love me, I have food, clothes, shelter, money to spend on things, etc etc. So that's why I'm continuing to live and figuring out ways to get myself out of all of this (seemingly hellhole for me at this point). I still donate my week's paycheck, at the very least, every month to charities and important causes. I know I have it good, so I understand that it is also important to help those who are less fortunate that myself. Now that I think about it....I should do some more volunteer work. Anyway, I just needed to vent and let you, my friends, know my current situation. I'm okay =) Very stressed, lol, but okay.

Revelation...

2005-03-22T00:30:00.000-08:00

Well, a revelation occurred not so long ago...March 18 was the date. A friday it was. The night before, I emailed R because I really needed answers. That week I got so frustrated that I boxed. For those of you who know me, you know that when I box, it's not pretty. I box until my hands get bloody. From the last time I boxed, the wounds was bloody and one of my hands got infected, so this time, I taped my hands, like you're supposed to. Anyway, I punched that punching bag like no tomorrow, until the tape from my hands was coming off on it. I punched it with all my might over and over again until I started panting, I kneed it repeatedly, and then dropped to ground, and then...got up and did it again, over and over again. So, as you can see, I had a lot of pent up frustration, but not all of it was because of R....it was also some other personal issues...Anyway, back to the story about the email. I email R and told R that I really liked R and wanted to know how R felt about me, and that if R didn't feel the same, I would need some time to let go, but that I wanted to continue to be friends with R, since R is very important to me and I wanted to continue to be a friend to R that would always be there, and that after my situation with....my first love...I didn't want to just stay friends with the one that I like, and that if there is no chance, I want to know so I can move on.
R wrote back to me the next day...and said that R really enjoyed my companionship and friendship, but that R wasn't ready for dating anyone right now, since R needed to work on some things in R's life right now, and that friends is all that R wants to be right now. So I told R, that I understood and that friends is good...I would never want to lose R from my life...I want R part of my life, since R is important to me. Then after I got thinking a bit, I thought...I really like R, and so I really don't mind waiting for R to figure out things and then maybe we can have something. I told R that....R told me, R really doesn't know....and so, we remain good friends. I can't get R out of my mind though....it's hard to move on, and honestly, I don't want to. The part that kills me the most though is...judging from R's words/reaction to my emails and msgs, it seems as if R doesn't like me, but before my questions, it seemed as though R might have some feelings towards me..and now when we talk, after our talk about a relationship, it still feels like it somewhat..It kills...Did I misinterpret it all? Or what....I got my hopes up only for it to be crushed again. All in all, I meant what I said. I want R to continue to be a part of my life, as friends...*sighz* I will just have to move on, even if it's hard. Funny thing though is that...deep down, I know that I still really care for my first love. Haha, the first love who doesn't even know I love them. My first love, but not theirs...Don't get me wrong though, it's not like I still love my 'first love' ..just that I really still care for that person. My life sound pathetic enough? Lol...trust me, there's a lot more to it too. I can't complain though, I had it really good compare to others. I know that and I will never forget that. Lord...that movie "Saw" is still haunting me...I hope a psycho doesn't come after me because he/she feels like I don't cherish my life, lol. *Listens to Natalie Imbruglia's Come September*
Haha, I saw my girls the Saturday that just past. The Ring 2 is jokes...It was fun hiding behind Lisa, lol. Thi and Kenny are so cute together, hehe. I'm glad that Thi and Kelly found someone that is good to them. Lisa is leaving soon....gonna miss my Pisa, hehe.
Good Friday this week. Yay! One less day of school, hehe. I'm seeing R that day. Going to watch Miss Congeniality 2 or Robots. We both hate deciding, lol. R said R will cook for me, but haha, we'll see if it comes through. If not, meh...as long as I get to spend time with R. I normally see R once a week and last week, the week where I boxed and emailed R concerning my queries, I didn't get to see R. So I look foward to the meeting this week. Especially since we are watching movies, lol...and as you all know, I am a movie and music fanatic. R likes to tease me about being a movie fanatic. Actually, many people like to tease me about being a movie/music fanatic, lol. "You should just go work for Blockbuster." Lol....I will soon...I will...lol.

Yawns damn this lower back of mine...

2005-03-14T18:09:00.000-08:00

I'm so tired! And there is so much work to be done. I only talk to R for a little today. Not as much as I would have liked =(. It's sort of sad how I need to talk to R daily, because if anything happened and we no longer talk, I don't know what I would do. I must say though, I always have my Teepee, hehe. My bestest friend who is always there to listen to me yammer, which I must say, I do a lot. However, it's more like whining, lol. I unfortunately can't see R this week. The weekly tradition has halted! =O =( ....I'll be seeing R on Good Friday though, YAY! R is going to cook for me *drools*, hehe . Unlike me, R can cook =D. Oh yea, last fri, R and I finished watching that DVD of the show we love, hehe. Yay! Now it's movie night every week, lol.
I hurt my back this week at work and need a massage...can't get one until next week on good fri =(. So long...haha. Lord knows my friends can't massage even if I paid them, lol. U guys suck ass, lol. Not that they won't, but that they don't do it well, lol. Oh yea! I also cut my thumb at work. I cut it twice in the same spot that it started bleeding so badly that it dripped onto my shirt, lmao! The bleeding didn't stop until I got the fat band-aid on there. Stupid pointy metal....AND HAHAHA! I burned the bread in the toaster so that it caught on fire!!! Hahahaha....this is the second time I got the toaster oven on fire. The first time, I was being rushed to make sandwiches, so I accidentally hit the paper bags into it and then it caught fire, lmao! Good times...good times...

I was reading R's live journal today and R was talking about how at R's restaurant there are really stupid customers and R gave examples, lol. Omg the stupidity! It's like the customers that come inside Tim Hortons (where I work). What idiots! Not only that...they are rude and impatient too. Ugh! Just want to strangle them sometimes. These people seriously need to work for fast food restaurants and see how its like, because they appreciate jack-shit...darn pretentious bastards. Lol, sorry about all the profanity. But hey! If you know me well, you should know how much I swear, haha. I swear like no other.....the word "fuck" can be incorporated into my sentences so that every other word I say would be "fuck." Haha, what skills I have *winks*. Omg, speaking of stupid people. These 2 Koreans sitting next to me, separated by an isle though, were talking during the whole bio lecture. Omg! I just wanted to smash their heads out! *Sighz* U can tell that the people around them were very annoyed, but said nothing. I was about to throw some cardboard at them, but then I held myself back and thought to myself....you must be more mature than that. So I got up and walked over to them and said, "Can you guys please stop talking, please." Then, they said okay and shut up....for like 5 mins and then started talking again! ARGGGG! At least they talk more quietly so I wasn't as annoyed, or else?! Somebody was going to get hurt real bad!!! *Sighz* For lord sakes people, if you are going to talk that much and that loudly, don't do it in a uni lecture where ppl paid to listen to the prof. Human beings....some are just too idiotic for words.

Yet Again...

2005-03-03T23:55:00.000-08:00

Doofus. Yes, I'm referring to myself. I had my Biology test today, and once again, I did not study. I slept, procrastinated, and did absolutely anything else but study. I only read 2 of the 15 lectures that was on the test. Oh and don't forget all those articles that were also on the test that I didn't read. I did the test using my common sense (no much of), and whatever I could remember from all these weeks. Screwed, yes....Ah well, let's see how I did. It's all over with now....well, until the end of this month again. Damn U of T! They just don't stop testing you. I love my chem tutorial T.A.!!!!! He is soooo nice and a great teacher, hehe....we had our chem quiz and I did it right, but didn't even know it, haha...he showed me! How nice!

I'm going to see R tomorrow. Opps, I mean, I'm going to work on my "project" tomorrow, hahaha. I can't use "studying" because like Thi said, my folks would tell me to bring my friend over to study, haha. Oh Teepee, you and Kenny are so cute, hehe. "Studying" and getting "tutored" ahahaha. Anyway, we are going to continue watching the show I got on DVD. I can't wait to watch it! I love that show, haha. I'm so craving for chocolate right now. I got R a box of ferrero rocher again, so tomorrow when I give it to R, and haha..R opens them, I will take one, hehe. =) *Sighz* I seriously need a massage right now.....I'm soo tensed up....so stressed. But knowing myself, when I see R tomorrow, I will be to damn shy to ask for a massage. *Stretches and cracks bones* I'll just go grab one of my wooden sticks and smack my back a few times. Don't you just love my massage tool? *Sings By Myself by Roch Voisine* Ik mis u....

Ik mis u...

2005-02-28T19:27:00.000-08:00

Nu Flavor- Kiss Goodbye, Frankie J- Obsession (no es amor), Michael Buble- Home, and of course Roch Voisine- By myself *blushes*....All my new favourite songs, haha. Well, By Myself is not a new one, hehe (By Myself reminds me of R, since I always listen to it when chatting with R). Ik mis u..One day of not talking to you makes me so "loco." It's sad I know *lowers head* Haha. I care about you lots =)...I hope I can get out on Fri so we can watch our show together. I love that show! Haha..soooo good!! I want to watch it now, if it wasn't for R, I would, haha. I promised to watch it with R, and I can't sneak peek..not even a little =(. It would crush R (according to R, haha)..The curiousity is killing me, hehe.

I'm going to see my hun, Teepee, 2moro! Gonna show you around my shitty campus! Haha. We must study at Robarts too though, I have a bio test =(. Omg, I can't wait for the Swiss Chalet. Darn you Thi, you got me worked up on it, and now I want it *drools* haha. Haha, Candy will be joining us later on, so Thi and Candy are going to meet for the first time =O, hehe. But I really want R to meet my girls: Thi, Kelly, Lisa...and maybe Vicki, lmao. C'mon, I love that gal, but she'll be like, "holy shit" and loud, haha...nonono..Vicki too..The girls are very important in my life, and so I really want them to meet R. *Sighz* I still think that R just thinks of me as a friend though, but I still care for R. I still like R, and even if I have no chance, it makes me happy just to be R's friend. Haha, but I must say, I am pretty damn sick of having the ppl I like all end up as friends..only friends..always friends. It's not good for the self-esteem either, haha.

I had so much fun on Sat with my girls. I love you guys! AA for life! Lol.

Mich still needs to visit my neighbourhood...wonder when that will happen, haha...we are all so busy. Stupid darn U of T. Let's torch it! *Moves eyes from side to side*

I want to just crawl up into a corner right now...

2005-02-25T20:54:00.000-08:00

Hello my friends...For those of you who actually care to read this, "good ....night?" In case you didn't notice from my name, I am not in the best of moods in the present moment. Ik mis u...(Just in case I didn't tell u guys what that meant yet, it is "I miss you" in Dutch.) I had some bacardi cooler earlier...not buzzed, but it didn't help with my state of funk...haha, which is good, since if you know me, u know that when im sad/depressed, I like to make things worse! Listen to depressing songs, think of depressing thoughts, look at sad black and white photos, and if I have alcohol, consume it! Get it all out of my system...but boy for those few hrs or so do I feel like shit. Oh yes...I am dead tired too, haha..that always makes my state of depression like 10X worse. If you all are wondering why in Sam's Hill am I not asleep? The answer is..how will I blog if I'm sleeping? lol...Glad to see I still have weird sense of humour right now...when I'm usually in this funk, I change into a different person...don't know what to expect from myself sometimes... Haha..let's self-diagnose, shall we? That should make things interesting...the worse thing to do when ur somewhat knowledgeable in an area, such as psychology, is to self-diagnose. That's why doctors need other doctors to look at them when something is wrong...*sighz* I still feel crappy...

Good news...something different... Tomorrow is my night out with my huns, Lisa, Vicki, Thi, and Kelly. My bestest friends in the universe, lol. God I miss the time we all spent together in high school, so much less frustrating than now. I miss you guys so much...*tears up* Haha..I'm at the point of the whole "ups and downs" right now. I'm okay though..I can still control myself and I'm still conscience of my actions. Just a little cookoo, but that's not an unattractive quality..hehe, I mean us cookoo's are fun to hang around...*thinks to herself* Yep...that's right..I'm comforting myself again, lol. I'm my own counsellor, u know? Comes from being somewhat of a loner as a child...*Hugz* I miss you Teepee....Wish u were online right now so I could chat with you and you would comfort me. I love you hun...u are the bestest friend I could ever have. I'm unlucky in some aspects, but there is one aspect in my life that I have always been lucky with..that is in the "plutonic love department"...I have great family members who love me and care for me and great friends who are the same. But...I've always wanted more than that...Call me selfish...Don't get me wrong though, I'm still very grateful for what I have. I admit I am one of the "lucky" ones overall, and with that knowledge, I always try to give to others as much as possible, whether it is with time, money, or whatever!

Hoe u bent?.... "How are you?" Words that make me feel warm all over now, since it reminds me of you....

Oh yes...

2005-02-24T20:41:00.000-08:00

To wrap up everything on today. I was done class at 2:30, finish early today, so I waited until it was time to see R at 6. Haha..yes, I waited that long. I went to Dufferin Mall with Carol so I could go to No Frills to buy R some stuff. I got R yogurt (good to eat when u have headaches, and R's sick so R has headaches), that POM drink, which haha is pretty damn expensive for a drink lol, got 2 of those, a box of ferrero rocher (chocolate), box of flintstones vitamin C's, since R is sick and needs Vitamin C, and that's about it....cost near 30 bux though, lol. So when I got to R's place, we watched the season of the show on DVD and then at 8 watched the OC...The time passed by so quickly, I really wanted it to last longer..wish I could hold you now and then sleep...that would be nice...hold u like my pillow, lol.
Oh yeaa..bumped into a lot of ppl today, Suzy, Lisa, Shea, Helder and ...I forgot his name...yeaa..he was the former president of our high school.

Disappointed...

2005-02-24T20:27:00.000-08:00

I'm a wuss...shy...w/e u want to call it..*sighz*...Wanted to hold u so much....but didn't....Instead, I just sat there like a lump on a log....Didn't see any signs that you were interested either, but I still wish I could have spent more time with ya...Although I wanted to hold you, it was still like heaven sitting beside you watching TV... But I just can't help but think that the lines "just a friend" will come to be again.. Or maybe I'm just confused..maybe we do have a chance? Naw..me and my pathetic hopes that never pull through... *sighz* Haha, I should perk up I hate being sad (pathetic) like this...meh....I think I'll just mope tonight. I'll be okay in the morning, like usual..

I'm Screwed...

2005-02-23T13:26:00.000-08:00

I'm very much screwed...I don't know what to do..I have no hope for myself. I really need that motivation and inspiration I once had, which leads me to thinking of Kel, and damnit! I don't want to think about her...*sighz* On a good note, I'm seeing R 2moro =). We are going to continue watching the season of the show I got on DVD and OC. Hehe, I will definitely call my Teepee after it all, so we can chat it up about the show and some other things, hehe. Good luck bud on your test today for psych and ur other classes! *hugz* Fudge! I hate uni...=(

I can't wait...

2005-02-20T19:16:00.000-08:00

*Sighz* I want to watch the rest of the season with R! Haha, have our ice cream cake, ferrero rocher, and POM. I'm so busy this week though =(. I don't know when we can do it, sniff sniff. It felt so comfy sitting on the couch with R...or was it a futon, lol...while watching TV. I was happy that I was finally able to give that massage I promised, hehe =). Wish I could do it everyday, it makes me sad to know R is in pain and I can't help. I can't wait until our next meeting though, since R said that R will cook something nice for me, hehe. I think R is a great chef so hehe...mmm *drools*
I still feel silly sometimes though...like I'm chasing after something I can't have. *lowers head* I've been really hurt before...I guess I just have to just continue to think in terms of friendships, the more hope I have, the more hurt I get when things don't work out. *In chinese* "Hay mong yute dai, sut mong yute dai" But, like R says, only time will tell...so let's see how things work out in the future.

My oh my....

2005-02-19T14:28:00.000-08:00

Reading week is practically over! I think I'm about to cry, sniff sniff. I'm dead tired *yawns* I just came back from my 8 hr shift at Tim's. This week past by like a snap of a finger *snaps*, I can't believe that I have to go back to torture on monday...excuse me, today! I need to study my ass off now, since my chem midterm is this tues, and I haven't even began to study or read or anything! It was a fun week though. My last post was an update 'till monday feb 14, so I will continue from there.
Tuesday I went out with my bro's gf and we shopped and bonded. I got these really nice jeans, this nice Nine West top, and this nice Tommy top, hehe. All at a very good price too =). I spilled my guts to my bro's girl, she is like a sister to me. We talked about everything from family to my feelings about certain individuals to my insecurities.
Wednesday, omg, stayed home =)
Thursday, back out again *sighz* lol. But it was fun, I chilled with my cousin, Jen, in the morning/afternoon. We had dim sum and went to the LCBO, hehe. I got Bacardi and Smirnoff for my friends and I, since after that I was to meet up with Thi and them at her house to chillax. Haha, my friends were like, omg Joanna, u brought booze? We love you! Hehe...We watched Saw that day. Omg, the movie is disturbing *shivers* The psychopath is ingenius, but disturbing : Haha, it was funny how we all got buzzed, lol, except for Lisa, since she didn't like the taste of the liquor. Teepee and I were supposed to watch OC together, silently! But our darn loud friends were loud *squints eyes* so that ruined it...=P.
Friday =D =D. Sunday and Friday was the best part of my reading week, hehe, since I got to see Rawx. During the day I was with my best god bro Renan! He's so nice, hehe. Sarcastic though *squints eyes and then sticks out tongue* Hehe, wub u still bum! We first watched "Finding Neverland," which we found not to be so bad as everyone raved it was. Ray got me the DVD of my fav show =D can't believe he actually got it..and after a couple of hrs of bumming downtown, he cabbed me to R's place where I was supposed to hang out with her. It was so nice of Ray to pick me up with the cab when I was done chilling with R. R and I watched "American History X," which I liked, and then we watched the DVD set I got that day. We only spent 4 hrs together =(..it passed by so quickly. We watched only the first 2 eps of the show though. Haha, I brought R ferrero rocher, hehe. I'm a "hug" person, hehe. I love hugs, but I swear nobody's hug can compare to R's. *Blushes* Wish it could have lasted longer...But we are going to watch the rest of the season together, hehe. I'm anxious to watch the rest, but I'll wait...hehe, it's worth it =).
Saturday, went to work...okay until next time ppl!

What a weekend, and Monday lol.

2005-02-15T02:10:00.000-08:00

I'm so tired! And I should be, it is 2 am right now, lol. If you all are wondering what in sam hills am I doing on blog instead of in bed, the answer is...."iono." I felt like blogging after looking at a couple of blogs. It's about time, since I have the week off and I am free to do whatever. So how was my weekend? Well on Saturday I went to work from 9-5, and then I went to my grandma's home where my family (including relatives) celebrated Chinese New Yr. I got money! *drools* money....mmmmm...Boy was I teased left and right by family members though. Gotta love them *rolls eyes* hehe. Ohh how I was nervous that night (sat night)! If any of you are wondering why, it's because of the event taken place the next day. I met up with R on Sun. Didn't get much sleep that night, hehe. All went well! I never felt that awkward, which I admit, I was scared might happen. Things were very comfy and nice. I really liked the movie, "Hitch," it was good. We ate at Spring Rolls for lunch, where we both couldn't really finish our meal, lol. Then we headed off to Paramount for Hitch. I had fun, hehe *blushes*.

Monday, Febuary 14th, 2005! Valentine's Day! My friends and I went back to my old high school to visit. Haha, we got chased around by the security guard who wanted us to be in the foyer because he thought we were disturbing classes, but the vice prinicipal, principal, and teachers were all cool with us going about. So eventually, he just shut his ass up, haha..good! Excuse my use of the word "ass, " lol...for some reason I like using it, haha..I think it is amusing! *bows down head in shame* I'm a weird one...lol. The bbtea I had at 168 was soooo good! Watermelon specialty coffee with tapioca, mmmm...*drools* I rocked everyone at big 2! Hehe, we were playing it while bbteaing. Next, Tony, Morgan, Kenny, and I went to Thi's house to continue our fun, hehe. We took forever on choosing what movie to rent and ended up renting, "Shaun of the Dead." The movie was boring at first, but then it got to be somewhat funny. Can't say that movie was great though. It is one of those movies that are okay if you rent, but are not worth it if you watch it in theatres. After Tony left, we ordered pizza at Dominoes. Omgggg, whatever toppings that were on that pizza from there, I'm going to get again! Thi hunny, you are a genius *drools*. Sorry about all the drooling by the way, lol..somewhat of nasty habit? Yes...that's it.....Today was fun, I still wish I could have spent it with *blushes* and thinks to herself...yeaaa.....Talk to you later ppl!

Reading Week Soon! Woohoo!

2005-02-04T18:33:00.000-08:00

Oh my..once again it has been a while, lol. When I first signed up, I thought I would blog everyday, but hehe, guess not. Anna and Michelle, lol, u guys always remind me to blog. Hehe, I have a poor memory...that and I'm lazy, hehe. My weekend is going to be jam packed =S. I have work on sat from 8am-4pm, and then after that I have a dentist appointment. On sunday, I have plans with Mich =D, hehe, we are going to bum around d/t, and after that I have to meet up with one of my best to study physics =(. Now in btw all of this time, I also have to study some more and do a chem lab...*shivers* Chem..eww...*shivers*. I'm quite "stolked," hehe, picked up that word from mich, lol...u funny aussies', anyway, about reading week. I get to see my girls! Teepee, our OC night! Omg, can't wait hun. Also, the big return to Bloor with my buddies, hehe. Not to forget, my meet with R, hehe *winks* Hehe..I'm a bit nervous about that, but still anxious, lol. Hehe..im now a member on Friendster! Oh thi, u and ur influence. My physics test is on the same day as chinese new yr....what a jinx! Darn u U of T ppl *shakes fist* Alright, I'm lazy and tired to write more, so we will end it here. Oh but, I must add...Anna is the winner of the ass sucking contest, plz don't deny it hun. It is rightfully yours, you've earned it. *Pat pat* =D

Long Time No Talk =P

2005-01-13T21:50:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I came on, eh? Wow, don't even know what to say. My friend Mich, who also blogs, reminded me of how long its been since I blogged, so....here I am!
Well, of course school is still a killer, and as for my personal life....the words "depressed" and "obssessed" come to mind. =P Friends...so nice to have, and believe me, I have enough. *Sighz* They can be a real headache at times. Christine...is one of the few who give me the most headaches, of course. With how things ended off in December, I don't think my friendship with her will last any longer than it has. Too many times! Another two words pop into my head while thinking of this...."inconsiderate" and "self-centred." I still wonder till this day how we stayed friends for so long. If things seriously don't change, I guess I will be short one less best friend. In terms of my love life, *laughs out loud* well....got none. I really need to focus on school this semester and hopefully things will brighten up for me.

Oh how things can be better...but maybe I am expecting too much too early. Afterall I only started coming out in July...that would be....approximately 6 months. Wow! Wait..that's half a year! In that case, I am not expecting too much. Many of you who know me and are reading this at this moment probably have no idea what I am rambling on about. Well, if you really knew me, you would know. And if you know me and want to know, you can ask! I'm not about to get too personal on this online Journal. =P

I'm quite happy that I got the jacket that I wanted for so long this week! Thx Jen, you're my hero! Lol. My xmas list is now starting to get "ticked off." I received no gifts this xmas break that was on my list, but haha..the gifts are still coming! =D My favourite and only god bro, not to mention my best friend, is going to get me the first season of "my show" on DVD! Alrite!!! Gotta love family! Lol. Must wait until the end of the month though =(....I suppose I can try and be patient. *Rolls eyes* Lol.

Major & minor thing occured today...

2004-12-28T18:32:00.000-08:00

Being so exhausted from work the previous days, I took today as a day of relaxation and caught up on some sleep. I also managed to sneak a movie in as well today, hehe. I had the movie wimbledon on dvd for quite some time now, but never had any time to watch it, so today, I did. The movie exceeded my expectations. I thought that this movie would be a somewhat typical romantic comedy, and although, it was on some level, I have to say I enjoyed it much more than "the usuals." It is probably because I enjoy watching films that revolve around a sport and romance, lol. This was the only romantic comedy I watched so far that revolved around tennis, and it was quite interesting. Now, back to my more important things.

I went to eat with my family today. We had dinner at Furama House, once again. The food was good and while everyone was enjoying themselves, I of course, was just sitting there with no expression on my face. My parents made the usual comments about how I'm never happy and exuberant when all of us go out to eat, and of course, in my head, I was thinking...well, that's because I don't see much reason to. By the way, I am happy and "go-lucky" when we go out sometimes, just not all the time, that's all. Then, my dad made the comment how we are all going out to eat just because of me, or else we wouldn't, which I still think is somewhat amusing, since it wasn't my idea and I said from the beginning that we needn't go out and spend money on food. Anyway, I remarked with, "I never said I wanted to eat." My parents were not happy and amused. They said don't make another comment that will make us shed tears for you again. Boy was I devasted!!! I never ever caused that much pain to my parents before that would cause them to cry for me, since I was the "good" child in the family. Not long after those comments were made, we left. We finish eating too, so it wasn't as if we left because of me. Now, in the car, my parents gave me the usual lectures, however, they also said some things that I found to be devasting. Apparently, I have changed quite a bit since I attended university this year. Now, I was aware of this, since I recently came out and I'm able to be myself now. For those of you who know me, you know what I'm talking about in particular. But, according to my parents, I have become quite the bitch at home. Now, I know why that is, I think, on some level. It is because, I am trying to explore and come out some more, but I'm afraid of my parents. They are not that accepting, and I just feel as if we're growing further and further apart. I have nothing to say to them, and they irritate me these days. But that is not their problem, since they are not doing anything wrong but show love, it is mine. I'm not sure what is going on with me these days on the home front, but I hope my attitude changes. Anyway, back to the story about my parents and I in the car. While lecturing me and etc, my mom made the sweetest comments and it made me cry. I cried, as in real crying. For those of you who know me, you know I don't cry. The most I will do is shed tears. So, for sad movies and etc, I will shed tears, but no more. I haven't cried in ages, omg ages! I cried today. Gasping for air, while many tears run down my face at once, kind of crying. That's what I define as crying by the way. Shedding tears is nothing, since I can do that easily (faking and etc). My eyes are still red and I am still at the point where I can cry again. It's absolutely amazing and it feels nice, since I wanted to cry like this for a while now and let out my frustration, anger, and bottled-up emotions. I came to a realization today. I always knew my parents loved me, but I thought it was more on a subtle level. Lately, I felt as if they were just using me, but they really do love me.

All of the above is the "major thing" that occured today, the minor thing is....I found the black jacket that I want! I've been hunting for a while now, and I've found it at the Bay. I hope to get it, but with how broke I am...I doubt it. Anyway...that's all folks!

Tired...

2004-12-27T21:39:00.000-08:00

Well, my favourite holiday has passed and I spent the actual day working. It was a 10 hr shift that day, and boy was it not fun. I'm soo tired from working, but I need to pay off my credit card bill, so I have no choice but to work as much as I can. I'm exhausted though.

I didn't get any of the things I really wanted this xmas =( I spend my days contemplating, regretting, and hoping for things that seem impossible presently. I'm quite happy that I completed one goal I wanted to accomplish all year now, and that is clean and re-decorate my room. I did some major cleaning this break, but I didn't do much re-decorating. I'm too poor right now to re-decorate my room they way I want it to look like. So for now, what I have is not too bad. Let's hope that things will look up for me...

It's Michelle's Bday =O 2moro!

2004-12-14T19:25:00.000-08:00

Today was fun! But omg!! It was freezing cold today. I saw my counsellor at New College, who is also the vice principal, haha. She's nice. I need still need to figure out what to do =S I hate uni! Then afterwards, I walked to Can Comp's to buy Michelle a webcam for her xmas prez, and I also said it was her early bday prez too, while telling her dat I was gonna get it on msn, so that she would accept my gift. Haha, then today, I found out it's her bday 2moro!!!

After I bought Mich's gift, I walked to her res, and at her place we chilled for hrs and made a gingerbread house! Yummm! We went to buy the kit at the Dominions nearby, hehe, and while we were there, we each both bought Tropicana Orange peach passion juice, mmmmm. I finished the whole 2 L box at her place, hehe. I was there for hrs, so don't worry, I'm not that insane to finish all of that in a couple of hrs, lol. It was soo cool, we were comparing how things were from different countries cuz she is from Aussie, and her flatmates are from different countries as well, since they are exchange students/interns. Then her bf, who is now residing the states (as an exchange student) so we had ppl from different places talking about funny stuff, hehe. Those aussie's like to laugh at how we say stuff =P, but I'm the same with how they speak, lol. We were also talking about violence, tweenies, and etc. It was a very interesting day, hehe. Anywayz, Happy Birthday Mich! *Hugz* I'm going to really miss you when u go back...Let's hope you make good use of that webcam, and we will cam each other! =P

Fun w/ Teepee!!! Hehe

2004-12-03T19:11:00.000-08:00

Today was not too bad. I slept at Robarts Library, when I should have been studying. I then did my math quiz, which I probably failed. But then, I met up with Tony (one of my best friends), to go to chinatown so he could "New Police Story" DVD (chinese movie), and then we were supposed to hop on over to my other best friend's house (Thi) so we can reformat her hard drive.

On the way to chinatown, we were hungry, so we stopped at Popeye's, where we bumped into my other best friend, Ismail, lol. Yes, I do have many best friends, almost 10 in all, lol. Anyway, when we were done, I dragged Tony to the bank because we were supposed to get paid yesterday, on thurs, and OMG! I think I got a xmas bonus, lol. We both got paid more than we worked for, lol. =D Great! Haha, sad how all that money will be going into xmas shopping for others, but hey! I love giving presents to my loved ones. Actually, I love giving in general, so all is good!

Anyway, after we purchased Tony's DVD and got ourselves some bbtea =D, we hopped on over to Thi's house. So jokes! Cracked so many jokes while reformatting and re-installing all the programs and etc. I talked about my crazy life and obsessions, while they all laughed their heads off thinking, "omg Jo." LOL...Thi and I took some pics with my digi cam too, hehe. Nice! It was nice chilling with my best again (referring to Thi, since Tony sucks, lol =P) Wub ya babes, lol. Wow, my friday was pretty dull compared to many ppl my age, haha, and their partying. Well, actually, with exams just around the corner, I guess not too many ppl are partying. Hehe, anyway, until next time ppl!

Stupid Networking!!! ..OC =D

2004-12-02T18:23:00.000-08:00

So, today I went to return the D-Link router and wifi card I purchased from can comps. It was so stupid, I hooked it all up properly, but didn't work. Under network connections, I didnt see the internet gateway.

I went to return it all, and since I opened the box for the router and not the wifi card, I had to pay a 15% fee *squints eyes*. I then purchased a new set of router and wifi card, but this time, it's by Microsoft. Darnit!!! Came home, and this time, when I hooked it all up, the internet gateway was there, but no connection!!!! How is that right?? *Sighz*

The OC was on today! =D I'm so happy! Everyone hooked up! Everyone has someone =D. Seth got the really hot girl from the club, and next week, she's going to kiss another girl, hahahaha. What an interesting show! I wonder what Kaylop is hiding though...hmmm..*ponders* LOL..yes, I'm weird, hehe.

I need to study! I've done no studying yet and next tuesday is my first test/exam! Yikes! ='( So many distractions though! Must focus...*stares at screen while zoning out* Hehe, ok, enough focusing...lol. Until 2moro everyone!

What an amusing day..

2004-12-01T19:30:00.000-08:00

Wow, what a day! So many ups and downs.. I was quite angry when I thought this forum that I usually go to was down. I thought my laptop was the problem, and that other ppl could get on, lol. I then found out from a friend, who also goes to this forum often, that they switched servers temporarily and that the url changed, lol. So, was quite happy to find out I was not the only one excluded, lol. Boy did I laugh my head off today! Hehe, it was just one of those days...one of my best friends was also cracking me up. Darn man kept drawing on me and preventing me from drawing back on him, lol. I got many hits on him though =P. The chocolate cake he brought was yummmm...

I just realized, once again, today how easily manipulated I can be by other women, lol. Haha, I keep on forgetting, but don't worry ppl! I am always reminded again. It's horrible, lol..I need to gain better self-control in general though. I think my psych prof thinks I'm a lil cookoo though, since after class, my friends and I stayed back chatting and laughing our heads off, and making somewhat inappropriate comments, while he was standing off in the front of the class speaking to students about the lecture, lol. I know he thinks I'm crazy, lol. As long as it doesn't affect my grades, which it most likely won't, all is good! =D

Darn Networking...Grrrrr!

2004-11-30T18:57:00.000-08:00

Today I went to Can Comp to get a new router and a wifi card for my bro, so we can all network, since I already had my own wifi card, I didnt need to get one. Anyway, I was so excited to hook it all up and have internet in my room, and since my bro would also have internet in his room, he would stop nagging me for the comp. I was sooo happy. *Sighz* Darn thing...like my old router, it gave me problems. I can't network! When I hook everything up, my home pc won't connect to the internet. Argggzzz..I mean, it's not like I don't know how to properly network, because trust me, I can!!! I use the wireless internet at school. Darn home! I need to find out what's wrong, because, it's driving me mad!
Enought about that...Today's my friend's bday, hehe. Happy Birthday C! Hehe. She's pissed because of all the studying we have to do for our exams next week, and I feel the same. I have 5 exams in a row! And since I take physics, biology, chemistry, calculus, and psychology, I am really going to have a field day. *Sighz* Omg...something else that is depressing. I need to think of something more happy..uhhhh...Bad Santa was a funny movie? Lol..I watched that today. The dvd. It was really funny actually. I enjoyed it, I mean, I thought it would be stupid and mediocre, but it was funny. You see, I don't really like Billy Bob Thorton, since he broke Angelina Jolie's heart, and well..I love Angelina...Big fan! Anyway, the movie was not so bad.
I'm loving this song right now.."Bleed for me" by Saliva. I need to find their soundtrack, good song. By the way, it's not a scary song for those of you who are judging the song by it's title. It's actually pretty sad.."Just one love, just one life." They are a rock group btw..Hehe.
I can't wait for the Xmas break ='(...COME NOW MY SWEET XMAS!!!

First Blob..woohoo? =P

2004-11-28T17:33:00.000-08:00

Welcome everyone to "The Realm of Jo!" I'm sure all of you were highly anticipating every second until this would finally show, =p. *Thinks to oneself* --> "uhhh..no." Hehe. My friends are blobbing these days, and I found it interesting, so I thought I make one up myself. Even though, I have something similar to it already at different websites, it's ok! Hehe. One more cannot hurt, I suppose. If you want my info, since you might be lost on who I am and where I am, you can always check my profile, since I am wayyyyy to lazy to re-write what I did earlier on when I was filling out my profile. =P
I am sooo tired of school! Uni is so exhausting, I need my Xmas break now!!! *Sighz* Ouuu reminds me, xmas is coming up! I love Xmas, and for those who read my profile, you would know, lol. But if u didnt, then well, ya....I can't wait until I celebrate it with my family and friends. I will be working on new yrs eve and new yrs day, though. There is no reason for me to really take the day off and celebrate, since I am single, and don't have anyone special in particular to spend it with. I'm still searching for that special someone, but omg, lately it just seems hopeless. Wow, I think all my money is going to go "bye bye" soon, since xmas shopping is going to suck me dry, once again =P.
I do love my uni more than I thought I would at first. I never had high aspirations for U of T, but now that I am in it, it's not so bad. The people there are friendly and the best part of all, there are many good looking Asians =P. I hate it though, in the sense of work/hwk. Omg, those people think we have no lives! The work load is absolutely devasting. I'm still not in the "uni mode," and therefore, I am struggling ='(. Let's hope I get on top of things soon.

The Realm of Jo

So many..

Short & Sweet

Not So Proud of Myself...

Great News

Dum Dee Doo

Yao

Jesus Baleezes

Long Time No Talk..

Don't know...

Just wanted to say thanks...

Should, but can't...

Amazed...

A combination of feelings...

Well I`m legal now...

Reluctant, or maybe just lazy...

What's your drink?

Personality test..

In need of miracles...

Vacations..Or just away..

Muuu..

Look What You've Done

Notta..

Piss off!

Update..

Shadow

Fatigued...

Long Overdue....

'Tell All'

'Tell All'

Quotes..

Untitled

Day with Mich! And yea...

I'm frightened and very stupid...

P4L! *sighz*...hard hard..

Revelation...

*Yawns* damn this lower back of mine...

Yet Again...

Ik mis u...

I want to just crawl up into a corner right now...

Oh yes...

Disappointed...

I'm Screwed...

I can't wait...

My oh my....

What a weekend, and Monday lol.

Reading Week Soon! Woohoo!

Long Time No Talk =P

Major & minor thing occured today...

Tired...

It's Michelle's Bday =O 2moro!

Fun w/ Teepee!!! Hehe

Stupid Networking!!! ..OC =D

What an amusing day..

Darn Networking...Grrrrr!

First Blob..woohoo? =P

P4L! sighz...hard hard..

Yawns damn this lower back of mine...